20 Raw, Honest Confessions

I wanted to write out some confessions. Maybe some of them are not really confessions but facts in my life.  Maybe it will help you get to know me a little better.

They are things that I deal with, that, well maybe you do too.  Maybe some of these will make you feel less alone.  And maybe, just maybe they may help me feel a little better by writing them out.

When I was first diagnosed I was somewhat hypomanic.  I had been in hospital for 5 1/2 weeks with severe depression.  I came home in a sorta mixed episode, mostly down, a little up.  I clawed my way out of the depression and into a more stable and then up mood.

I saw my psychiatrist who gave me my diagnosis of Bipolar – most likely type 2.

The following is the root of  confession #1 and #2.  I came home sat down to the computer and wrote the following on my Facebook page:

“I have Bipolar disorder, but Bipolar disorder does NOT have me, It does not control my life, but I can choose to control it, and I refuse to let it define who I am as a person.”

Confession #1:  I wrote it because I wanted the world to know I was out of hospital and there had been a reason for being there not just “She’s Crazy” as I thought people were saying.

Confession #2:  Even thought I wrote that quote on my Facebook I do Sometimes feel like Bipolar disorder does define me.

Confession #3:  I sometimes wonder if past childhood trauma had a hand to play in my mental health problems.

Confession #4:  I am afraid of the dark….well not quite like it sounds.  But I get anxious if I am alone in the dark.  I know the reason behind this but am not ready to share it.

Confession #5:  I self injured for 7 years, starting when I was 13.  In the end I was self injuring numerous times, almost hourly.

Confession #6:  I attempted suicide when I was 18 years old.  I realized after that I did not want to die, I just wanted all the pain and hurt to stop and I was fortunate to have been able to get help.

Confession #7:  My husband literally saved my life.  I know without a doubt that I would not be here today if I had not met him when I did.

Confession #8:  When I got pregnant with our daughter I was in a bad place.  That pregnancy changed a lot of things for me.  The song by Martina McBride Sums up how I feel about that:

But the truth is plain to see
She was sent to rescue me
I see who I wanna be
In my daughter’s eyes

Confession #9:  I hate, and I do mean HATE to the point of FEAR – Cabbage Patch Dolls, they are a huge trigger for me (yes I know why), I get anxious, my heart beats fast, I feel weak and get tingles going up my spine when I see one, or even a picture of one.

Confession #10:  I have an almost identical fear of Ants – yes little crawling ants, black or red does not matter.  I have had panic attacks over this little small bug – And yes I know why I have this reaction as well.

Confession #11:  I sometimes like the hypomanic buzz that I get.  The productivity.  Being able to complete tasks quickly and more efficiently.  New projects and researching things.  (Until it gets really bad)

Confession #12:  I do still have thoughts of self injury and have had slip ups since stopping.  In fact the 5 1/2 weeks of hospitalization I spoke about earlier included self injury.

Confession #13:  I hate odd numbers.  Except 1.  1 is cool.  The volume of anything has to be on an even number.  If I purchase things it has to be in even numbers, unless I buy 1.  Any more then 1 of anything is bought in even numbers, I prefer 6.

Confession #14:  I have premonitions.  I am serious.  I get a thought, and if I do not act on it, something bad happens.

Confession #15:  I have had eating issues all my life.  When I was a child I barely ate, I was taken to drs but they said “She will eat when she is hungry”.  Now I am a big woman and I go from binge eating, to eating very little several times a year.  When I was in hospital I refused to eat.  I lost 50 pounds (some was right before going in and a few after) and was very close to having a feeding tube inserted.

Confession #16:  Sometimes when I look in the mirror I feel like I have lost myself and I do not recognize who is looking back at me.  There was even a block of time when I refused to look in a mirror.

Confession #17:  I was first diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Severe Depression, Suicidal idealization, and Self Injury tendencies when I was 18 years old.

Confession #18:  I have used Alcohol in the past as an escape….but it almost always made things way worst.

Confession #19:  Very few people know the circumstances behind my mental illnesses.  I find it extremely hard to talk about.  But typing or writing is much easier for me.

Confession #20:  I am terrified that one of my children will have a mental illness and I fear that it will be my fault.

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About bipolarwhisper

Mental health blogger. Bipolar, PTSD, OCD, Anxiety. Lover of butterflies. Risen out of the ashes like a phoenix. Survivor. Contact me at: Email: bipolarwhispers@gmail.com Twitter: @bipolarwhisper
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14 Responses to 20 Raw, Honest Confessions

  1. Niqui E Ruxton says:

    I thought that I was the only one that hated odd numbers.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. lilypup says:

    Thanks for sharing all of that. It does make me feel less alone. http://lilypupslife.wordpress.com/

    Liked by 1 person

    • bipolarwhisper says:

      I am glad. Sometimes its hard to be honest about what we are feeling or going though in real life. That is one of the reasons I created this place so I could be honest and write what I wanted without worry. Thanks for stopping by, I checked out your blog and am now following.

      Like

  3. We seem to have so much in common (see: 3, 4, 7, 11, 15, 17, 19) that it’s almost scary.

    Thank you for writing this. You are without a doubt an inspiration to me and I look forward to all of your future posts.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Yve's Corner says:

    I’m so scared of the number 23. I used to believe I have super powers, maybe I still do. Not sure. Your confessions make me feel normal 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Really like this. I may have to also do an honest confessions post! Take care x

    Liked by 1 person

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