So pretty much since February 24th I have been in a weird place mentally. December, January, and part of February brought with it a little depression. Nothing serious. But just a nagging sensation that I was part of the way under the balance line of normal.
There was some stress. Some anxiety. Some “I do not want to go out” , “No I do not want to go to that Christmas party”.
I hate winter. I mean I hate it. If I could come inside in December and not go outside anymore until April I would be a happy camper. Perhaps I should begin hibernating?!?
So a little withdraw, a little depression. Nothing serious. I have seen worst. I have had worst.
February month is always difficult for me. My Dad passed away in February when I was a child. So I see this every year.
So since February 24th I have been having a more unusual sleep schedule then my usual unusual sleep habits. Yes that sentence makes sense if you read it slow *winks*. Sleeping very little for 3-4 days. Then sleeping a bit better 4+ hours then a good day 8-9 hours. Then back to sleeping very little.
With it came the sensations of being just slightly over the balance line. Sometimes a little moderately over.
Not needing the sleep that I have lost. Feeling like my skin is crawling, jittery. A few projects here and there. Lots of thoughts in my head, to the point of invading my thoughts mid sentence. Shaky and some weight loss. Paranoia.
But this time some of my tell tale symptoms did not arrive. I am not really talking fast, at least no faster then normal. I am able to control myself a lot more from jumping up and doing more and more random things. Trying very hard to maintain control. Hiding as usual.
But there are some things that I do not usually experience. Like increased sex drive – like wow…capital W.O.W. Lots of writing. I am so happy that this increased phase has lifted some of the writers block that I have been feeling for years.
On Saturday after having very little sleep. 30 minutes on Friday night. I decided it would be a good idea to drink. I drank 7 beer in a pretty short period of time. And holy crap did it ever effect me. Once I got home I ended up crying – I have no idea why, and freaking out. Much of which I do not remember, nor do I understand or know why.
I know that I felt like I had no filter. Things were coming out of my mouth with out any thought to what I was saying, if the words were going to hurt anyone or if what I was saying was even true.
I feel like the alcohol gave the paranoia a voice.
It let thoughts come out of my mouth that I knew were paranoia in my normal non drunk stupor. But in my drunken crying fit of a rage the paranoia was fierce.
The next day I feel dumb. I always feel like the rage and crying, and not knowing why was me being messed up. That I need to stop these actions before I drive the people I love the most, furthest away from me.
That is a scary thought for me. Loosing the people I love the most. My biggest fear.
I am extremely lucky. My husband has stood by my side for the past 14 1/2 years. He has seen a lot of my behaviors and although he might not always understand why I said what I said, or did what I did or felt the way I felt he has stood by me and helped me through them as best as he can.
And for that, I love him with all my heart.
*Side note – ha can I call it a side note if it appears at the end? I saw my Psychiatrist today, we added a new med – hopefully this helps subside the manic possibilities that are mildly floating around inside me.*