Defective – Damaged – Broken

I accept the fact that I am defective – damaged. I accept that within myself.  I have for a very long time. But that doesn’t mean I have to like it.  It is so easy for me to pick out the negative aspects of who I am. I have this very jaded thought process. I over analyze everything imaginable and lets not begin to talk about the paranoia that shows up just as my mania begins.

I mentally degrade myself.  Call myself names.  Stupid.  Fat.  Crazy.  Ugly.  Bitch.

I always feel like I am not worth fighting for. That I am nothing but a burden on those around me. I tend to make that decision for them, instead of letting them form their own ideas of who I am or whether I am worth it.

I  am an insignificant speck of a being that is defective in every way.  But unlike a defective item you purchased at your local store and returned for a refund, there are no returns on people, no refunds.  My Jaded mind tells me that even if I could be returned, no refund would be given, after all; I am worthless.

Nor can I turn back the hands of time and re-do things to change past mistakes into rewarding and enriching experiences. I do often wonder what would happen if I were able to turn back those hands, dialing time back and having a do over.  How far back would be far enough to make a change?

Do I go back a few days to when I freaked out while drinking and change it?  Maybe I should go back a few weeks try to head off the mania before it began.  A few months…..oh yeah I could make a change there I wouldn’t have went so long between therapy sessions.  A few years, oh the changes I would make there.  I cannot even begin to explain.

Where would I want to start over?

My mind was screaming while I was writing that last sentence, a ton of mental and emotional pain running through my body, almost to the point of physical pain.  My mind is screaming for me to go back to when I was 6 and scream bloody hell for someone to help me.

But then the other side of my jaded analytical mind begins to wonder.   If I could change the past would I still be me when I got here? Or would I be a completely different person then I am now?  Would this outcome that I have had in life still be the same?  Would I be stronger? Maybe I will be weaker.  Maybe I would be even more insignificant than I am now.

Then a strange question creeps in and stops me mid thought.  Would I want to change who I am today?  Part of me is screaming YES.  Because  maybe it would make me a better person.  Maybe I would not have mental health issues if my past were not clouded with so much pain and hurt.  Maybe I would have been able to make better choices.

How would changing my past define me as a person?

But I realize that if I would lose the things in my life that I love and cherish the most – my husband – my kids – then no I would not change my path.  I would take the path all over again just to make sure that these very special people were a part of my life.

I realize that I have had rough times.  I also understand that these experiences have played a big part in shaping who I am today.  Some of these things I might not like so well, but there are things that I can live with.  Maybe these experiences are what makes me write, maybe they are some of my driving force.

But still I cannot help but wonder:

would i still be….

defective – damaged – broken

11 thoughts on “Defective – Damaged – Broken

  1. It’s hard to say how things would turn out if we went back and tried to make something better. Sometimes it’s hard not to dwell on that “what if?” but I’m guessing you have touched more people than you know just through your blogging. I found a quote that I thought would be helpful 🙂

    “When the past calls, let it go to voice mail.It has nothing new to say.”

    Take care! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for your kind words. The inspiration for this blog post is a little strange and part of it was written back in 2012. A few days ago I was going through old journals from when I was first diagnosed with Bipolar disorder, I had decided to jot anything down blog worthy and copy anything I really wanted to keep and I burned the two journals.

      I love that quote too!
      Thank you for dropping by.

      Liked by 1 person

    1. It sometimes takes a bit to get to the point of not hating oneself anymore. But I agree the disease is not our defining point.


  2. The amount of comprehension and “ahh” I experience on WordPress, through blogs like yours… just, thanks for reminding us we’ve never been alone and we’ll never be alone. Great post.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much for your kind words. I feel the same, I read something and its like a light bulb lights up inside my head and I find myself nodding in understanding while reading another persons words.


  3. The amount of comprehension and “ahh” I experience on WordPress, through blogs like yours… just, thanks for reminding us we’ve never been alone and we’ll never be alone. Great post.

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s