Looking back

I have spent a huge amount of my life pretending everything was fine.  But the truth was: I was barely holding it all together.  Using glue to hold the pieces in place.  Plastering on a fake smile and going about my day.  All the while the rapidly drying glue was cracking in places and the plaster was crumbling.  No one else knew, no one else saw what was happening.  I knew exactly when to smile and where to hide so I could keep my secrets to myself.

I perfected the art of camouflage.

But inside, I saw what was happening.  I felt the storm raging on in the dark corners of my mind.  Pulling me further and further into the darkness.  I felt the tug from both directions at once threatening to tear me in half, to break me.

I was using all my energy trying to make sure not to show any signs of weakness on the outside.  But inside of me I was exhausted.  All I saw was where I went wrong, what I did wrong, and how very weak I really was.

For me the signs of mental illness were there as a child.  I had some very traumatic experiences at a very young age and the problems began not long after.   Anxiety, rapid speech, pressured speech, followed by severe depression then back full circle again.

I was struggling with who I was behind my dim soulless eyes.  I was changing, and I was not sure I liked who I was becoming.

My days began running together.  Wake, Eat, School, Sleep, Rinse-Repeat.

I was like a ghost at school drifting through the walls from class to class, teachers did not know how to speak to me, guidance counselors did not know what to do with me. And I had all but given up on myself.

My grades went down hill and I began loosing interest in school.  I lost friends and I most certainly lost myself.

I remember situations where my mouth kept talking where I should have kept it shut.  I talked and talked and talked.  At times people couldn’t understand me, I was constantly told to slow down.  Breathe.

I spent more time with anxiety and in depression.  I cried myself to sleep.  I was ashamed, I was afraid, and I prayed.  Boy did I pray.  I prayed for help, I prayed for guidance, I prayed for a savior.  But none came.

So finally I prayed for death….

….But that never came either.

29 thoughts on “Looking back

      1. I am still dealing with Bipolar disorder. I have not tried much when it comes to natural treatments.


  1. Because I could not stop for Death –
    He kindly stopped for me – ~~~ Emily Dickenson

    Wake, Eat, School, Sleep, Rinse-Repeat. ~~~~ Suggested cycle interruption….. Don’t wash your hair ….. just once. …. let your soul be dirty.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Awesome comment. I love the quote! Its been a long time since I have been in school so that was mostly looking back. But I have most certainly kept my soul dirty on occasion since.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I can imagine the pain and also how hard it must be for you to relive the past. I’d just like to say, and in the most non-judgmental way possible, don’t look at the past through the glasses of depression, it might have been quite different from what it seems right now. I don’t mean to belittle your experiences or your memories, I hope you understand that

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I completely understand actually. Sometimes while looking back I see nothing but hurt and pain while other times I remember the little thing. This definitely depends on which shade of glasses I am wearing weather mania, depressed or somewhere in between. I am currently not depressed just writing whatever comes. And I know you are not belittling 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Great post! Unfortunately I see my life story very similar to yours. I personally didn’t get proper treatment/intervention because child mental/psychological illness wasn’t well addressed in 1970’s – early 80’s,,,

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you. I am sorry that things are similar. Mine was early 80’s to early 90’s and I never told a soul until I was 18-19. I never really got proper treatment until a long time after, and still not quite there. My mom had me later in her life and because of such a huge age gap we didn’t have a relationship where I felt I could tell.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I was 6 the first time ‘stuff happened’ and 11 the last time. I had a complete breakdown 2 days after my highschool graduation. But I still never told anyone at that time just how bad things were. After a suicide attempt in 1999 I got a lot more help, but quickly stopped going to therapy when things were “good”. In retrospect I know that was a mistake.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I’m sooo sorry about your mother/daughter relationship. I have a great relationship with my Mom, I just hid it well (because I thought everyone had the same feelings) at 39 y/o attempted (VERY CLOSE TO SUCCESS) by hanging & several more times. After hospitalization I finally got treatment. Prior to that (hindsight’s 20/20) I showed MANY symptoms of childhood BP. I self medicated: drinking, smoking weed nightly & other street drugs frequently, I displayed signs/Sx of bipolar.

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      3. I hid a lot of it because of shame. I was terrified to tell what I felt and why I felt it, and what started the whole process for me. I am glad to hear that your suicide attempt did not work. I also attempted suicide but as a teen. I will be writing about it on here soon. Did you get your diagnosis after?

        Liked by 1 person

      4. Officially yes, first Dx was depression, PTSD & borderline disorder, then my Pdoc Dxd me bipolar disorder, PTSD. I was Dxd with depression at age 6, treated with amytriptiline & manic & attempted suicide, then I lacked treatment until I was 38

        Liked by 1 person

      5. Thank you too! 🙂 A lot of childhood Sxs listed, I had ~ almost nightly night TERRORS, bedwetting, withdrawn, precocious sexual thoughts/actions, suicidal age 6 after being on an antidepressant, very inappropriate elated mood/actions & extreme creativity. As I stated before, hindsight’s 20/20,,,

        Liked by 1 person

      6. I agree, I always say “In retrospect”. It is easy for people to tell me what they saw, Now that they know. It is easier for me to see and know what I experienced now that I know.

        Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you. I hide a lot. I don’t talk about it a lot to people. I have few friends who I am comfortable talking about it to. But that for me is quality not quantity. And I love to write and this seems to be something I can write easily about and if it is helping someone then the whole blog is worth it for me.

      Liked by 1 person

    1. It makes me wonder a lot as well. I wonder if the circumstances were not there if I would still have mental health issues.

      Thank you very for liking the blog 🙂

      Liked by 2 people

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