My OCD is getting worst

So my Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) has gotten worst.  I know it has.  Within myself I can feel it.  The little things I do.  The little things I say.  I try to hide it, but sometimes, sometimes it surfaces at a rate that even I cannot control.

Like even numbers.  The night before yesterday, My husband put two ice cubes in my glass.  It was 2 but it wasn’t 2.  It was 1 whole one and 2 half pieces.  So the dilemma that played out inside my head was do I add one ice cube making it 4 pieces but 3 ice cubes, or do I keep the 2 ice cubes with 3 pieces.

Sounds so absolutely stupid as I sit here writing this.  But it bugged me so much I did not know weather to laugh, or cry, and was almost in a panic.  My kids and husband was getting a bit of a laugh out of the situation.

Finally my 13 year old daughter, grabs a spoon, fishes out the two half pieces, throws them in the sink, and adds 1 whole ice cube to my glass, making it 2 whole ice cubes.

Crisis averted.

Then there are the crows.  I cross them off.  I cannot stop myself.  I am driving, or walking or sitting or anything, if I see 1 crow I cross it off with my fingers, if I see 10 I have to cross all 10 off, one at a time.  If they are standing on the side of the road I almost panic because I am afraid they will go in front of my car and I will hit them.  I am not sure how I would handle that situation, I know what I feel like will happen, so I cross them off, in a panic.

I recently had to take someone to another community and was trying to cross them off without that person noticing, it was causing so much anxiety and discomfort.  I would go to cross them off like I normally would, sorta stop my arm movement half way there, try to discretely cross them off, then I would pull my hand back and touch the side of my face.  After about 4 – 6 times of doing this, I gave up and just crossed them off like I normally would.  The person never even asked why.  And I was thankful.

Then there are the car lights.  If a car is driving towards me and they have one light blown in their headlights I have to touch the roof of my car.  Have to.  Absolutely have to.  I know how dumb this sounds.  I cannot stop myself.

I have to do these things, I have to do what my mind tells me.  I have no choice in the matter.  If I do not do these things I know something will happen.  Something bad.  Something wrong.  Something terrible.  But I do not know exactly what.

I count when doing so many things.  6.  6 is my number.  I am washing my hands I make certain movements 6 times, I wipe them 6 times each hand.  I brush my teeth, 6 movements, then 6 movements, then move to the next spot, 6 movements, then 6 movements, etc etc etc.

Even numbers, but 6…..6 is my favorite.

1 is okay….but everything after 1 has to be even.

Then the counting letters of words on my fingers.  I start at my pinky on my left hand, if I am spelling the word tickle, I would start the with the letter T on my pinky then move each letter to each finger.  The last letter of tickle, being the E would stop on my thumb of my right hand.  Then I have to start the word again, the T starting on my pointer finger of my right hand.  I would finish that hand and go back to my left hand pinky for the L of the word.  Continuing over and over until the last letter of the word Tickle (or whatever word I am using at the time) ends on my pinky finger of my right hand.  Only then can I stop.

I try so very hard to hide a lot of these tendencies.  But lately I find myself partaking in them more and more.  Anxiety building up, knowing how odd these things are, trying not to let anyone notice.

I listen to my mind, whatever it tells me to do, I do it.  I have had too many situations where something bad happened when I did not.  So I listen because I have learned my lesson.

I listen and I listen well.

10 thoughts on “My OCD is getting worst

    1. Thank you for reading. I have an appointment this month to see my Psychiatrist again sometime after the 20th not sure of the exact date yet but I plan to print out some of my blog posts for him so he can get a better understanding of what has been going on inside me right now.

      Liked by 1 person

  1. I can relate to what you are saying. I had a thing about even numbers. If I did something, it had to fall on an even number. I also had a thing about walking on sidewalks and avoiding the cracks. I got through this period of my life.

    I was labeled obsessive-compulsive when I was at a young age. I was told that these compulsions to be orderly was my way of dealing with anxiety. In a way, that was true but it was not real effective.

    I had this fear of losing control or going crazy. That fear sometimes got to panic proportions. It was difficult to get any reassurance from anybody. That is: that I am all right. That I am not alone.

    I think the psychiatric community will probably use Paxel, or Luvox. These SSRI’s are proven to help depression with OCD type of symptoms. I was on Paxel and it helped.

    Good luck

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks for the comments. I am taking several medications already for my Bipolar disorder and we are very careful with antidepressants because they can and have at times made my mania worst.
      Do you still have ocd now as an adult?

      Liked by 1 person

  2. For me everything must be even, both sides the same. I used to have to have a watch on at all times, even the shower. I would look at it non-stop. I took Paxil which is good for OCD and I finally after 50 years have broken that habit. No watch at all. There are so many OCD things we do. Good luck with the doctor.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks so much. I know that some of the things I used to do when I was younger I no longer do or they do not bother me the same, but over this past year things have gotten worst, and over this past month even more so. I am glad that the meds worked for you and that you no longer do at least some of the things that you have.

      Like

      1. I do lots of things and they do change at times. For the longest time I couldn’t leave the house because I couldn’t make myself believe the door was locked. I kept trying it and trying it and getting in and out of the car. It was terrible. Living in a house where someone is almost always here I have been able to break that, but if I live alone again I will probably go back to it. I have a long list I will not list it all here and then there is my son and his OCD. Some similar and some different.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. There are so many different hings that each person deals with. Its amazing actually to me. Same disorder but such a spectrum.

        Liked by 1 person

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