So my Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) has gotten worst. I know it has. Within myself I can feel it. The little things I do. The little things I say. I try to hide it, but sometimes, sometimes it surfaces at a rate that even I cannot control.
Like even numbers. The night before yesterday, My husband put two ice cubes in my glass. It was 2 but it wasn’t 2. It was 1 whole one and 2 half pieces. So the dilemma that played out inside my head was do I add one ice cube making it 4 pieces but 3 ice cubes, or do I keep the 2 ice cubes with 3 pieces.
Sounds so absolutely stupid as I sit here writing this. But it bugged me so much I did not know weather to laugh, or cry, and was almost in a panic. My kids and husband was getting a bit of a laugh out of the situation.
Finally my 13 year old daughter, grabs a spoon, fishes out the two half pieces, throws them in the sink, and adds 1 whole ice cube to my glass, making it 2 whole ice cubes.
Then there are the crows. I cross them off. I cannot stop myself. I am driving, or walking or sitting or anything, if I see 1 crow I cross it off with my fingers, if I see 10 I have to cross all 10 off, one at a time. If they are standing on the side of the road I almost panic because I am afraid they will go in front of my car and I will hit them. I am not sure how I would handle that situation, I know what I feel like will happen, so I cross them off, in a panic.
I recently had to take someone to another community and was trying to cross them off without that person noticing, it was causing so much anxiety and discomfort. I would go to cross them off like I normally would, sorta stop my arm movement half way there, try to discretely cross them off, then I would pull my hand back and touch the side of my face. After about 4 – 6 times of doing this, I gave up and just crossed them off like I normally would. The person never even asked why. And I was thankful.
Then there are the car lights. If a car is driving towards me and they have one light blown in their headlights I have to touch the roof of my car. Have to. Absolutely have to. I know how dumb this sounds. I cannot stop myself.
I have to do these things, I have to do what my mind tells me. I have no choice in the matter. If I do not do these things I know something will happen. Something bad. Something wrong. Something terrible. But I do not know exactly what.
I count when doing so many things. 6. 6 is my number. I am washing my hands I make certain movements 6 times, I wipe them 6 times each hand. I brush my teeth, 6 movements, then 6 movements, then move to the next spot, 6 movements, then 6 movements, etc etc etc.
Even numbers, but 6…..6 is my favorite.
1 is okay….but everything after 1 has to be even.
Then the counting letters of words on my fingers. I start at my pinky on my left hand, if I am spelling the word tickle, I would start the with the letter T on my pinky then move each letter to each finger. The last letter of tickle, being the E would stop on my thumb of my right hand. Then I have to start the word again, the T starting on my pointer finger of my right hand. I would finish that hand and go back to my left hand pinky for the L of the word. Continuing over and over until the last letter of the word Tickle (or whatever word I am using at the time) ends on my pinky finger of my right hand. Only then can I stop.
I try so very hard to hide a lot of these tendencies. But lately I find myself partaking in them more and more. Anxiety building up, knowing how odd these things are, trying not to let anyone notice.
I listen to my mind, whatever it tells me to do, I do it. I have had too many situations where something bad happened when I did not. So I listen because I have learned my lesson.
I listen and I listen well.