My OCD is getting worst

So my Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) has gotten worst.  I know it has.  Within myself I can feel it.  The little things I do.  The little things I say.  I try to hide it, but sometimes, sometimes it surfaces at a rate that even I cannot control.

Like even numbers.  The night before yesterday, My husband put two ice cubes in my glass.  It was 2 but it wasn’t 2.  It was 1 whole one and 2 half pieces.  So the dilemma that played out inside my head was do I add one ice cube making it 4 pieces but 3 ice cubes, or do I keep the 2 ice cubes with 3 pieces.

Sounds so absolutely stupid as I sit here writing this.  But it bugged me so much I did not know weather to laugh, or cry, and was almost in a panic.  My kids and husband was getting a bit of a laugh out of the situation.

Finally my 13 year old daughter, grabs a spoon, fishes out the two half pieces, throws them in the sink, and adds 1 whole ice cube to my glass, making it 2 whole ice cubes.

Crisis averted.

Then there are the crows.  I cross them off.  I cannot stop myself.  I am driving, or walking or sitting or anything, if I see 1 crow I cross it off with my fingers, if I see 10 I have to cross all 10 off, one at a time.  If they are standing on the side of the road I almost panic because I am afraid they will go in front of my car and I will hit them.  I am not sure how I would handle that situation, I know what I feel like will happen, so I cross them off, in a panic.

I recently had to take someone to another community and was trying to cross them off without that person noticing, it was causing so much anxiety and discomfort.  I would go to cross them off like I normally would, sorta stop my arm movement half way there, try to discretely cross them off, then I would pull my hand back and touch the side of my face.  After about 4 – 6 times of doing this, I gave up and just crossed them off like I normally would.  The person never even asked why.  And I was thankful.

Then there are the car lights.  If a car is driving towards me and they have one light blown in their headlights I have to touch the roof of my car.  Have to.  Absolutely have to.  I know how dumb this sounds.  I cannot stop myself.

I have to do these things, I have to do what my mind tells me.  I have no choice in the matter.  If I do not do these things I know something will happen.  Something bad.  Something wrong.  Something terrible.  But I do not know exactly what.

I count when doing so many things.  6.  6 is my number.  I am washing my hands I make certain movements 6 times, I wipe them 6 times each hand.  I brush my teeth, 6 movements, then 6 movements, then move to the next spot, 6 movements, then 6 movements, etc etc etc.

Even numbers, but 6…..6 is my favorite.

1 is okay….but everything after 1 has to be even.

Then the counting letters of words on my fingers.  I start at my pinky on my left hand, if I am spelling the word tickle, I would start the with the letter T on my pinky then move each letter to each finger.  The last letter of tickle, being the E would stop on my thumb of my right hand.  Then I have to start the word again, the T starting on my pointer finger of my right hand.  I would finish that hand and go back to my left hand pinky for the L of the word.  Continuing over and over until the last letter of the word Tickle (or whatever word I am using at the time) ends on my pinky finger of my right hand.  Only then can I stop.

I try so very hard to hide a lot of these tendencies.  But lately I find myself partaking in them more and more.  Anxiety building up, knowing how odd these things are, trying not to let anyone notice.

I listen to my mind, whatever it tells me to do, I do it.  I have had too many situations where something bad happened when I did not.  So I listen because I have learned my lesson.

I listen and I listen well.

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About bipolarwhisper

Mental health blogger. Bipolar, PTSD, OCD, Anxiety. Lover of butterflies. Risen out of the ashes like a phoenix. Survivor. Contact me at: Email: bipolarwhispers@gmail.com Twitter: @bipolarwhisper
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10 Responses to My OCD is getting worst

  1. kat says:

    that sounds really tough. i hope you can talk to someone, a T, who can help you manage it better, reduce it even.

    Liked by 1 person

    • bipolarwhisper says:

      Thank you for reading. I have an appointment this month to see my Psychiatrist again sometime after the 20th not sure of the exact date yet but I plan to print out some of my blog posts for him so he can get a better understanding of what has been going on inside me right now.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I can relate to what you are saying. I had a thing about even numbers. If I did something, it had to fall on an even number. I also had a thing about walking on sidewalks and avoiding the cracks. I got through this period of my life.

    I was labeled obsessive-compulsive when I was at a young age. I was told that these compulsions to be orderly was my way of dealing with anxiety. In a way, that was true but it was not real effective.

    I had this fear of losing control or going crazy. That fear sometimes got to panic proportions. It was difficult to get any reassurance from anybody. That is: that I am all right. That I am not alone.

    I think the psychiatric community will probably use Paxel, or Luvox. These SSRI’s are proven to help depression with OCD type of symptoms. I was on Paxel and it helped.

    Good luck

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Tessa says:

    For me everything must be even, both sides the same. I used to have to have a watch on at all times, even the shower. I would look at it non-stop. I took Paxil which is good for OCD and I finally after 50 years have broken that habit. No watch at all. There are so many OCD things we do. Good luck with the doctor.

    Liked by 1 person

    • bipolarwhisper says:

      Thanks so much. I know that some of the things I used to do when I was younger I no longer do or they do not bother me the same, but over this past year things have gotten worst, and over this past month even more so. I am glad that the meds worked for you and that you no longer do at least some of the things that you have.

      Like

      • Tessa says:

        I do lots of things and they do change at times. For the longest time I couldn’t leave the house because I couldn’t make myself believe the door was locked. I kept trying it and trying it and getting in and out of the car. It was terrible. Living in a house where someone is almost always here I have been able to break that, but if I live alone again I will probably go back to it. I have a long list I will not list it all here and then there is my son and his OCD. Some similar and some different.

        Liked by 1 person

      • bipolarwhisper says:

        There are so many different hings that each person deals with. Its amazing actually to me. Same disorder but such a spectrum.

        Liked by 1 person

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