Empowered (Language warning)

Tonight I am empowered.  It did not start off that way, but it has gotten that way pretty quickly.  It actually started with some hurt, some deep hurt within myself, one that I felt should not have been there.  But it soon changed to disappointment.  First at myself and then at someone else.

But now, now it is empowerment.

I learned something hard lately.  That every person who smiles are you is not your friend.  I won’t go into detail. But lets just say…..lesson learned, and learned well.

I have let it go.  Letting it roll off my back like water off an umbrella.  There was a time in my life where I would not have been able to let it go.  Worrying about it, trying hard.

I know I am no longer that person and although I was pretty naive at the time, I no longer am.  And it was a valuable lesson to learn. So I guess I should be thankful that I learned it now.

There has come this point in my life where I no longer care what any one thinks of me.  I mean, I do, deep down to some extent.  BUT the bitchy empowering person that I feel inside me right now….well she says “Fuck It”.

I have actually, FINALLY, let go of a lot of things over the past little bit, and I am going to be absolutely honest, It is the most freeing sensation I have ever felt.

I am happy, I am IN LOVE, I have a wonderful family and I love them, quirks and all.

I refuse to go back to the broken crumbled person that I once was.  And I will definitely not let one person, and one person alone bring me there.

Right now I say, take me as I am, Bipolar and all.  Manic, depressed, mixed, flat.  I am who I am, and take me that way without talking shit behind my back, or don’t take me at all.

5 thoughts on “Empowered (Language warning)

  1. Hi, Whispers. I had the same sort of day. Started out hurting. My father and my best friend both pulled Borderline maneuvers on me. Firstly, yesterday father said, “You need a project. Find out how much it will cost to self publish your book, from start to finish and I’ll write the check.” (He’s a very wealthy man, having invented oversized golf club drivers that made it easy for non athletic types to play a good game of golf..took it public, lear jet..well you get it. But he’s borderline and Bipolar2 and gambler/alc…so he’s tricky to deal with.-and a lot of people GET that that’s part of my emotional problem.) So I go to explore an option with XLibris and I state “I don’t want to get undersold, tell me A-Z what we’re going to need and we’ll buy in full. But the Xlibris gal kept underselling me, telling me that I could just get the economy package with one add on, editorial. See, I’ve been warned about these firms. And how they do business. Anyway, I ask a bunch of intelligent questions and I really offend this gal, who starts writing mean, argumentative emails about how she has to feed her kids..etc…and how even though Authorhouse and Xlibris are both owned by Random House Penguin, they are totally different, So she dis’s me, I call up my Dad and he tells me that he doesn’t know what I’m talking about, he never offered anything, and I’m a stupid girl, an ‘easy mark,’ and that I just need to submit it to an agent, bla bla. Well, that’s what I had planned on doing all along. But a lot of good writers, like Wendy K Williamson, who is on her 2nd book “2Bipolarchicks” with Honora Rose start by self publishing. Whatever. So he tells me that I ‘imagined’ it. Then, I call my ‘best friend’ in the am, who is also bipolar/borderline and she tells me that I’m a spoiled brat and all I talk about is myself. I had broken my foot this week and I happened to request ice when I visited her on Monday. The Shame. She started telling me how I have no right to expect my father to be respectful and so forth, and that I’m a spoiled baby, and how the example is that I asked for Ice. I refused to allow her to speak to me that way, and I hung up on her as she was repeating, “You are turning it around, you always turn it around.” You know what? With friends like that, you don’t need enemies. Really and truly, you don’t.
    So I was terribly low this AM, having drawn a boundary with my Dad and a boundary with Clair about how I am to be treated. And I’m all alone. and I was sad. But now, I’m not that sad. It’s ok to draw boundaries with people and to find out as much as you can before you trust someone with as intimate as a book. In fact, I want my father’s money and influence nowhere near the truth. It’s mine, and it belongs to me. A lot of bipolar people have borderline, I know that I do, and that’s why I am signing up for a DBT class to learn to self regulate the stuff that trips me up and makes me mean to the people I love the most. Sorry if all this self pub stuff bores you, it just happened to be what was going on, and I won’t let anyone bully me, as the sales agent at XLibris tried to do to me. It was totally uncool.

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s