Uncontrollable Urges – Self Injury Trigger Warning

Old writing from years ago, right in the very midst of the worst parts of my self injury.  Written on November 5th 2000.

Uncontrollable Urges

Sitting here Knife in hand
Not expecting you to understand
That the pain I have will never leave
I know it’s hard to believe

It has controlled me for so long
I don’t think I can stay strong
I feel like I am doing a nosedive
Beginning to wonder why I am alive

Sitting here lighter heating
Starting to learn that he is beating
He has hid and ran, and I don’t understand
How he is getting away with this…what a man

Sitting here blade to skin
Fighting the urge to push it in
Losing the battle, beginning to shake
Its one more decision I cannot make

Shaking, rocking slowly talking
Thinking, sinking even walking
Blade in hand weary slicing
Lighter in hand very enticing.

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About bipolarwhisper

Mental health blogger. Bipolar, PTSD, OCD, Anxiety. Lover of butterflies. Risen out of the ashes like a phoenix. Survivor. Contact me at: Email: bipolarwhispers@gmail.com Twitter: @bipolarwhisper
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22 Responses to Uncontrollable Urges – Self Injury Trigger Warning

  1. kat says:

    i’ve had my share of these moments, too. still having them too.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. staystrong10 says:

    Definitely can relate to this. Love the last four lines though, the way they’re written is incredible.

    Liked by 1 person

    • bipolarwhisper says:

      Thank you. That was written back when my husband and I were still just friends. I think he was the first person I ever shared any of this writing with, that was a long, long time ago.

      Liked by 1 person

      • staystrong10 says:

        If you don’t mind me asking, what was his reaction when he read it?

        Liked by 1 person

      • bipolarwhisper says:

        This was written after he already knew about my past history with abuse, self injury, and mental health. I remember it well, he was taking a shower when I sent it to him so he did not see it for about 30 minutes. It was back in the days of msn messenger. His first words were “please do not do it”.

        Liked by 1 person

      • staystrong10 says:

        I remember MSN messenger. It’s great when we can have support and are accepted no matter what.

        Liked by 1 person

      • bipolarwhisper says:

        I made sure that he knew everything before we started going out. So there were no surprises. It was scary as heck telling him everything, and in fact I wrote most of it to him via msn and email. But it made us a lot stronger and now 15 years later we are still together.

        That is not saying that there was not a lot of ups and downs, but we have fought through them and have a strong bond and relationship because of it.

        3 years ago when I was in hospital for 5 1/2 weeks I took up self injury again just before the admittance. He asked me not to self injury because we did not need reminders (scars) of what we were going through at that time. That was hard for me, but I understood it because it was something very terrible and almost tore us apart. Mania was brutal to me then, and depression came fast and came hard.

        Liked by 1 person

      • staystrong10 says:

        Thank you for sharing that. I’ve always wondered if I need to tell any potential guy about my past, how much I need to tell, and when. So it’s great to hear from those who have told their significant other and it’s led to great things.
        I’m sorry that things got like that, but it’s great to know that it’s possible to make it through that!

        Liked by 1 person

      • bipolarwhisper says:

        You are welcome. I am not quite as “open” in real life, which is why I chose to write Bipolar Whispers Anonymously. I find it very easy to be open and write with written words, it is a lot harder to talk about some of these things face to face. But with that being said I am getting better at it. My best friends know things, and I am finding it easier to talk to them and be more open.

        It is something very hard to open up about. My husband and I were young 18 and 19 years old when we got together. I don’t know if this had any impact on how he was able to accept things or not. Its hard to know.

        Liked by 1 person

      • staystrong10 says:

        I understand that. Most of my friends that know know because I texted them. There are a few that know because I said it out loud.
        Completely agree about how it’s easier to be open through writing. Maybe it’s because we can edit it? I don’t know.
        It’s hard, not knowing if it will end up with acceptance or rejection. And I don’t know if there is a way that we can know before saying it.

        Liked by 1 person

      • bipolarwhisper says:

        I do think that editing it is part of the reason. If I am writing something I edit, re-read, edit again until I have it perfected the way I want it to sound. Then I post to the blog. So I think, that yes, it does play a big part in it.

        Also though for me I can articulate myself a lot better through writing than I can when speaking. LOL.

        And I agree it is very hard not knowing if you are going to be rejected because of some situation that you were unable to control. That in itself is scary.

        Liked by 1 person

      • staystrong10 says:

        I agree, with all of that.
        What I’ve found, which completely surprised me, is that people are often more accepting than I ever thought! Especially with cutting.

        Liked by 1 person

      • bipolarwhisper says:

        When I began cutting it was at a time when it was very taboo. It was not in music, not in movies, not talked about in books, on tv, or the news. I never told anyone for almost 7 years, I hid it and I hid it well.

        But I do agree there is a lot more acceptance with things now.

        Things are still stigmatized but it is becoming less and less each and every day, as we continue to stand up and speak.

        Liked by 1 person

      • staystrong10 says:

        This is true. I’ve noticed a huge difference just between now and 2010. But we aren’t done yet with getting rid of the stigma. And I definitely agree, the more we speak, the smaller it gets.

        Liked by 1 person

      • bipolarwhisper says:

        I have been struggling with mental health issues for almost 21 years. The earliest I can remember some of the depression was about 12. Some things most likely started before that like rapid speech and ideas, oh the ideas. I remember the extravagant ideas. Back then I was the kid who talked super fast, and the more excited or the more I got into a “project” the more excited I got and the faster I talked. I can see such a huge difference in closing the gap on stigma since then.

        I did not really get help until I was 18 after a suicide attempt. Stigma was big back then….

        Liked by 1 person

      • staystrong10 says:

        I can trace some things back to when I was around 12 too, mostly perfectionistic things. Stigma stopped me from getting help for such a long time. And it’s not fair at all that it can do that to us.

        Liked by 1 person

      • bipolarwhisper says:

        Seems to be the age for this stuff to manifest. Our daughter is 13, this stuff started when she was 11 for her.

        It is sad that stigma alone can cause so many people from getting the help that they need.

        Liked by 1 person

      • staystrong10 says:

        I want to break the stigma so badly.

        Liked by 1 person

      • bipolarwhisper says:

        It continues to be broken, bit by bit every day.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. hbhatnagar says:

    I don’t even remember ever fighting that urge, I just do it automatically…

    Liked by 1 person

    • bipolarwhisper says:

      To be completely honest I fight it for my kids and husband. Not for myself, because if it were up to me I know I would still be self injuring.

      Liked by 1 person

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