So Scarred (Trigger warning – Self Injury)

*Written about 16 years ago*

A time when pain was easily mistook for something different, a time when scars were internal not external, a time when I could explain the scars, but that time is long gone, that time has left, that time is no longer with me.

A time when I never had to wear long sleeved shirts to cover all the pain,  pain that is trying to escape

But escaping through that cuts that appear on my arms

A time when I did not need to feel that touch of the cold blade, or see that crimson red that flows from the deepest pain inside…

A time when I never had to carry a blade with me all the time, just in case, just in case something happens and then that blade is there,

A time when I never needed to sit and hold that blade close to my skin

When I never had to sit and just stare off into space and wonder….

A time when pain was something easy to understand cause it was not trying to escape through open scars…

A time when I could understand the world around

But now suddenly that world has grown so cold…so heartless…..

So Scarred!



About bipolarwhisper

Mental health blogger. Bipolar, PTSD, OCD, Anxiety. Lover of butterflies. Risen out of the ashes like a phoenix. Survivor. Contact me at: Email: Twitter: @bipolarwhisper
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17 Responses to So Scarred (Trigger warning – Self Injury)

  1. hbhatnagar says:

    I can relate to that so much. That pain as your skin is sliced through…. It’s probably the only thing that makes me feel alive.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Kirsty says:

    Me too. I found that the pain I felt emotionally went away when I cut myself.

    Liked by 1 person

    • bipolarwhisper says:

      It was such a release for me, and although I am not an active self harmer anymore I do still get to the point where the urges are so strong I crave it. Last night was one of those times, I had a hard time writing so I found this in old writings and thought it was fitting.


  3. dianetharp70 says:

    Ugh ~ I cut (no longer, thank God!) Often, DEEP. and. LONG!! Required multiple sutures, all approx 3 cm long, & too many to count cigarette burns,,, the scars,,, ugh,,, I feel ya! 😦

    Liked by 1 person

    • bipolarwhisper says:

      I was also a cutter for 7 years. Then again for 7 weeks a few years ago, With a few slip ups over the years. I struggle with it often. Last night was one of the hardest times I have had with it in a long long time, I had anxiety over how bad the struggle was, I craved it.


  4. blessed800 says:

    Thanks for allowing us readers into “this time” BW: 16 years later.
    I’m sorry that today you experience such pain…I’m honored though to be a part of your sharing “side” (fan club).
    Just did a count and my 16 years ago is also one in which utterly painful pain was momentary and fleeting…having always been a crier it continues but today my tears are filled with a different kind of emotion: at times jam-packed with self-pity, at once with fear and hopelessness and again with sadness and grief all the while knowing yet not wanting to hear that “it could be worse”.

    Liked by 1 person

    • bipolarwhisper says:

      Thank you for the kind words. I am so sorry that you have painful memories as well. And I know that feeling, I tell myself all the time that “it could be worse” whether that is good or bad I am unsure, but nevertheless I do tell myself. Gentle Hugs for you, my friend.

      Liked by 1 person

      • blessed800 says:

        Thanks! 🙂 Ah,…painful memories…part and parcel (as the saying goes)…hmmm, never thought of “telling myself” that it could be worse, hopefully I can remember that the next time I need to “tell myself something” 🙂 I know I have thought it before, during a low (during mania, not so much)…its a true statement though. Yet our “issues” can seem so monumental when we’re going through, like that “no one understands” and “gosh, could things be any worse”? can’t I just disappear??? 😦 Gentle hugs for you too! 🙂

        Liked by 2 people

      • bipolarwhisper says:

        I agree that I do it more during depression, mania always starts off great, and I tend to deny it is mania once confronted.

        I agree it is a very true statement, and I try to make myself remember no matter how bad things are.

        Liked by 1 person

  5. blessed800 says:

    You are so right about the mania, denial unfortunately many (most) times is the name of the “game”.

    Thanks for that tip: telling oneself that it could b worse. I’ll try to remember it. =)

    Liked by 2 people

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