There have been times in my life when I have felt completely alone while standing in a room full of people.  Alone in my thoughts while hundreds of hearts beat all around me.  Faces smile at me but I see no one and am unable to return the gesture.  Blank eyes trying to focus on unfamiliar faces, deaf ears refusing to hear the words that are spoken, instead hearing a steady hum of misunderstood chatter.

In this setting, although there are people surrounding me, I feel completely alone and completely helpless.

Sometimes the crowded setting brings anxiety.  A spin within myself, an urge to get out of the situation and get out now.  Anxiety that is an almost deafening, roaring in my ears.  Sheer panic building up within me, coming from somewhere deep inside my soul.  In this setting I am unable to get out fast enough.  But I try very hard, and refuse to let myself break down before I am out of the situation.

And then there are the times when I am in crowds and I feel fine, I feel more then fine. I am having a good time, hanging out with friends, having a few laughs. Giggling.  These are cherished moments that I try to hang on to.

Because if I do not hang on to these good moments in crowds I would never let myself be put into a crowded situation ever again.

I try to remind myself that not every time I am in a crowd something bad happens, sometimes it is fun or sometimes I get through it just fine.

Not all crowded situations are good for me, but then, not all are bad either.

6 thoughts on “Crowds

  1. I have had similar experiences to what you describe. We who have bipolar disorder are often in need of moderation,though that can be very hard for us. Often, our brain chemicals demand more or less and are never satiable.

    Liked by 1 person

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