I sometimes wonder how much stuff one person can endure. I wonder how people get through things that seem so difficult on the outside looking in, and I know without a doubt that from the inside it is that much worst. I see friends struggle with mental illness and wonder how they have gotten through the rough times, how they have endured. I hear stories of loved ones who are helping others trough difficult times, whether they are physical circumstances or mental and emotional circumstances, I wonder just how much strength they have to have in order to survive.
What exactly is enough strength? Is it even possible to have enough? Right in the midst of a crisis, how is it that our bodies and minds accept the fact that this is difficult and go into overdrive so to speak, and just do what needs to be done? Our bodies go through these motions as if it was something that they have dealt with before. Like it is some long lost ability that suddenly comes to life.
I know that we all deal with circumstances differently. Each person has their own ways of surviving. Each person does what they need to do to get through whatever it is that they are dealing with at that time.
It is during some of these times that I have actually realized just how strong I can be when the need arises. During extreme panic, I have made necessary phone calls to an ambulance and managed to keep my husband on his side during a seizure that I honestly thought he was never going to come out of. It was by far one of the scariest things I have ever dealt with before because I felt so helpless. I was watching him, and I knew that I could do nothing only wait. Wait for the seizure to stop. Wait for him to be lucid enough to talk. Wait for him to be able to get up. Wait for the ambulance to arrive. Wait. Waiting.
The majority of our strength, the majority of the survival autopilot that our bodies have gone into, happens while waiting. I never really thought about it before. We spend a large majority of our lives waiting for things to happen.
I know I am getting off topic a little. I started this post for a few reasons. Right now I am finding inner strength that I never knew I had. Because I have to. Right now I have to be strong. Not for me, but for my daughter.
I have to have this strength that I never thought I could have with the circumstances that we are facing. It is frustrating, but I am trying with everything in me to not show any weakness within myself with my diagnoses, because I need to be strong for her. I need to survive this, because I want her to survive this.
Her father and I, we are the only ones who can be there for her right now in the way that she needs us to be. We have to be her friend, we have to be her parents, we need to be her sounding board. She has to be able to let us know what is going on inside her, we need to be her strength.
But most importantly, right now, we need to be her voice. A voice in the face of mental illness.
And this is scary, it makes me feel like she is dealing with this because of me. That I somehow inadvertently mad her sick because of my mental illness.
Now don’t get me wrong. I know how incredibly stupid that is. I know that if any one of you told me the same thing, I would tell you a hand full of reasons why this is not the case. But I cannot wrap my mind around realizing that this is not my fault.
So I am trying very hard to draw strength from somewhere deep within myself, from somewhere that I have never had to draw strength from before. My mind, and soul are on autopilot and I am exhibiting strengths that I have never had to exhibit before.
Because to be honest, no matter how scary my mental illness has been during my life, there is nothing scarier then knowing that my daughter is exhibiting something similar and is struggling through things that I would not wish on my worst enemy. Yet here we are going through them with one of the most important people in my life, and this my friends is scary, and where deep strength comes from.