It is a mixed kinda day.
As you all know I have been suffering in the depression part of my illness for almost 3 weeks now. On Friday my psychiatrist increased my Wellbutrin. I was taking 150mgs since February of 2013 and he increased it to 300mgs.
I remember going into his office in February of 2013 and asking for an antidepressant to be added back to my medications. I was taken off of it during a hospital stay in September of 2012 because of mania/mixed episode. At that time I had been battling depression for a few months and I was beginning to feel the familiar pull under as the depression was getting stronger and my ability to fight it was becoming weaker and weaker. He reluctantly added it back to my medications at that time.
During manias since we have increased the mood stabilizer or added an anti psychotic or a sleeping aid or changed something, but my Wellbutrin has remained constant. Largely because I do not want to become depressed badly again, I just cannot handle the depression aspect anymore, and I would take the possibility of hypomania over deep depression any day.
So on Friday, May 15th I found myself again sitting in his office, I heard the words come out of my mouth “You need to increase my Wellbutrin, I cannot deal with this any longer, the thoughts of self injury, and the deep dark place that I am being pulled into is getting bad.” He said yes he could increase it and see how it goes and we talked a bit more about what was going on.
I had been in deeper depressions before, but I was feeling the pull getting so strong that I did not want to get to that place again and I knew I needed some help to try to lift this before it got any worst. I tried on my own, it was not working, in fact it was getting darker and drearier where I was headed and all I could see was depression in a sort of tunneled vision.
Although my anxiety has been bad, which is probably largely due to what we are dealing with when it comes to our daughter, I am happy to report that I can feel the depression beginning to loosen its grip on me today.
It is a start, I feel a cross between a depressed state and feeling fantastic all occupying the same place, and it is good to at least not feel completely depressed.