As I wrote last night I was feeling the anxiety getting stronger and stronger and I was beginning not to function well, this was the first time that anxiety has controlled me to this magnitude in a very long time. Probably over 2 years. It was well over a year since I took ativan. Until these past 8 weeks or so when I began taking them again, and I still was not taking them often. Just as needed, less than one a day, and only when the need got bad enough that I knew I needed one.
So lately when the anxiety was ‘visiting’ I could tell it was getting worst. Each bout of anxiety seemed to be getting stronger than the last.
It was like some house guest that was beginning to get angry, and rude and had overstayed its welcome. It was time for anxiety to pack up and take a hike… but instead it was watching, hanging on to my every move, controlling….laughing somewhere in the distance as it watched me struggle.
Shallow breathing, while anxietie’s talons were gripping my heart. Squeeze, let go and repeat, squeeze, hold, let go, repeat. Each time anxiety squeezed it seemed to hold on just a little longer, waiting for my reactions as I siphoned for air.
Sheer terror and panic were rising inside my body as a tear or two escaped my eyes, running silently down my cheeks.
4:30 am was when I finally began to feel calmness come again. I told anxiety to never come back, banished it from my life.
But like the stalker that anxiety is, it will be back. But I will be ready.