When anxiety gets stronger

As I wrote last night I was feeling the anxiety getting stronger and stronger and I was beginning not to function well, this was the first time that anxiety has controlled me to this magnitude in a very long time. Probably over 2 years.  It was well over a year since I took ativan.  Until these past 8 weeks or so when I began taking them again, and I still was not taking them often.  Just as needed, less than one a day, and only when the need got bad enough that I knew I needed one.

So lately when the anxiety was ‘visiting’ I could tell it was getting worst.  Each bout of anxiety seemed to be getting stronger than the last.

It was like some house guest that was beginning to get angry, and rude and had overstayed its welcome.  It was time for anxiety to pack up and take a hike… but instead it was watching, hanging on to my every move, controlling….laughing somewhere in the distance as it watched me struggle.

Shallow breathing, while anxietie’s talons were gripping my heart.  Squeeze, let go and repeat, squeeze, hold, let go, repeat. Each time anxiety squeezed it seemed to hold on just a little longer, waiting for my reactions as I siphoned for air.

Sheer terror and panic were rising inside my body as a tear or two escaped my eyes, running silently down my cheeks.

4:30 am was when I finally began to feel calmness come again.  I told anxiety to never come back, banished it from my life.

But like the stalker that anxiety is, it will be back.  But I will be ready.

5 thoughts on “When anxiety gets stronger

  1. I will share some insight I’ve learned that helped me, maybe you’ll be able to relate. About Ativan and other benzos- I found that they calmed me physically but did not touch the panic in my thoughts and emotions. My negative thoughts and emotions- I learned that not only were they unwanted and uncontrollable but also they were just irrational as well. This precept helped and helps me greatly: I can’t control what I think and feel at times but I can always control what I believe and believing only truth leads me away from fear, anxiety, and silly behavior. There were times, at it’s worst, where my thoughts and emotions felt like a rhinoceros at full charge within me. But I learned that rhinoceros was just a pack of lies in a rhino outfit and was harmless.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That is some good thinking right there. A god way to make your mind understand more of what is going on. I haven’t really dealt with my anxiety lately. I know where some of it comes from, and I think that the wall that was blocking it out just finally crumbled, or maybe anxiety scaled over the top. Either way I am going to have to deal with it one way or another. And perhaps looking at it from that perspective could be a good thing. Today it was bad again, I took more ativan, 2 before I calmed enough, I went and lay in bed while my husband dealt with the kids and stuff, I evenlutally fell asleep and got a little sleep, but when I woke up a lot of the anxiety was still there. So you are right in that physically it calmed me enough to eventually fall asleep.


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