I am going to apologize for this post before I even get it written.

My mind is in chaos.  Constant buzzing, thoughts and doing.

I feel like there is no way I can stay still.  I am enjoying the productivity of the stuff that I am doing.  Things that have needed doing for quite some time, I have accomplished more in one day, today, then I have in a week.

I find myself wondering if this is the beginning.  Normally I do not notice it right away….it takes a while.  I also wonder what they heck are the chances of another mania so soon?!?!

This, if it is indeed the beginning is the part I like.  The productive part.  The flight of ideas part.  The, I am superwoman and I can do anything part.  This…..this is the part, the part before.  Well during, well the beginning.

I keep thinking, perhaps this is just a fantastic day, with some productivity, maybe its just that.  But then I see that my lap top is shaking on my lap as I am typing this because I cannot stop shaking my leg.  I stop.  Just long enough to start again.

Maybe tomorrow will be balanced?

I don’t even like to use the word manic until I know for sure, until someone finally points it out or it is that obvious that I cannot keep denying it.  I am more in tune now then I once was.  There have been many times I have not known until it got bad.  Bad, bad.

But the charts are telling me something… mood tracker charts.  I see the subtle signs.

The chaos within.  Trying to keep my voice steady, trying not to talk fast, I am loosing the ability to control it as much as I could earlier this morning even.

Lets talk sleep.  I have noticed the sleep schedule get a little off track lately, but then it picks back up. A 3 hour night here, and a 5-6 (broken, I do not sleep that long in a row) there.  Then in the past 26 hours I slept 1.  1 measly broken hour of sleep.

But do I need sleep?  Nope.  There is not an ounce of tiredness in my body.

Sleep, my friends, is overrated.

I ran.  Like literally, wtf is up with that.  I am a pretty big woman who is in probably the worst shape I have ever been in, or at least close to it.  And all I could think of was running.  So I ran.  Not far, not long, but I ran.  It is a start right?!

The self injury urges have been bad for a while, today they are off and on, not as bad as they were but still there in the back of my mind, taunting.

Metallica is playing in my headphones as my fingers are flying across the keyboard and the words are jumbled on the screen.   I went through a P!nk phase, now its Metallica.  I cannot seem to get enough of it lately and I am constantly writing while it is playing in my earphones.

Anxiety today and some irritability, nothing major on either front.

The irritability was mostly because I started a project and could not finish it for a particular reason because I did not have the necessary things here to complete it, which annoyed me.

Its still not bad, I still think maybe this will not get any worst than it is right now and perhaps it is nothing just a weird day….I dunno perhaps I am delusional in believe that too.


2 thoughts on “Chaos

    1. That is exactly it. I sometimes feel bad saying I enjoy the beginning because I know how bad it can get and I know the hurt and chaos it can cause.


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