So I sit, and I write.

I wish I knew how to properly explain what I am feeling right now.  I keep wanting to write.  But the words won’t form the way I want them to.  The writing does not measure up to the standard that I have set in my head for posting on here.  But yet the urges to write are so strong that I keep finding myself drawn back to the keyboard to write here, or drawn to my journal to scratch illegible sentences into the pages in blue ink.  I know I will take out that same journal and read over it at a later date and think about how the writing does not look like my own, and try to pick out some of the words that were written in a scramble.

This happens more often than not.  My writing changes from mood to mood, the style and even the font.  It was first noticed about 15 years ago by a therapist.  She asked if I had ever noticed that my writing changed from mood to mood, day to day. I hadn’t noticed up until that point, but as I started to read through my journals it was very obvious. Mania or depression played a part in the way the words were written, in my choices of descriptive wording, and how my paragraphs were styled.

Sometimes when I was angry the wording and paragraph structure was angry too.  It was visible.  You could look at it and know that I was angry when I wrote it without even reading the words.

My journals were personal.  For me.  Well really for my psychiatrist and therapist.  They deserve the credit for me and my writing.  Without them I would never have known that writing was my creative outlet.  I am very grateful for the gift that that I found because of necessity to express my feelings to them because I found it hard to talk.  Writing and then reading it to them was easier because I could disassociate from the fact that I was reading my own story.

So many things that I needed to express to my psychiatrist, but my mouth would not speak the words.  My writing became my voice.  It described scenarios that I was unable to articulate otherwise.

This became a way of expression for me.  I get drawn to paper to write, or more recently I get drawn to the computer to write out what I am feeling inside.  Which is why I keep getting drawn back to this editor, I need to express myself and the urge to write is so strong it is like craving something.

So I sit, and I write.

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About bipolarwhisper

Mental health blogger. Bipolar, PTSD, OCD, Anxiety. Lover of butterflies. Risen out of the ashes like a phoenix. Survivor. Contact me at: Email: bipolarwhispers@gmail.com Twitter: @bipolarwhisper
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9 Responses to So I sit, and I write.

  1. Thomas Kossnar says:

    Super article. Very interesting point that the style of writing changes depending upon which mood you are in. I am of course more gloomy when I am depressed and more upbeat, silly and fun when I am up.
    Thanks

    Liked by 2 people

    • bipolarwhisper says:

      Thank you for reading and commenting. It is something we don’t really think about, but I guess it makes sense right?

      Like

  2. hbhatnagar says:

    Keep writing. I know what you mean. My writing could show my mood too, even the lines were more jagged and darker when I wrote in a bad mood….

    Liked by 1 person

  3. wonderme12 says:

    Writing has always been such an outlet for me too…. I can look back to my journals from years ago and know just from my sentence structure (short statements or long descriptives) what mt state of mind was at that time. Liking forward to sharing and reading more from you

    Liked by 1 person

    • bipolarwhisper says:

      Thanks for reading and replying. Writing as an outlet is great isn’t it? I am glad that it has worked for you as well. Heading over to check out your blog 🙂

      Like

  4. Liberty says:

    That’s so great that you can let out your emotions in such a positive way, keep writing!

    http://www.libertylifeandselfhelp.com

    Liked by 1 person

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