I wish I knew how to properly explain what I am feeling right now. I keep wanting to write. But the words won’t form the way I want them to. The writing does not measure up to the standard that I have set in my head for posting on here. But yet the urges to write are so strong that I keep finding myself drawn back to the keyboard to write here, or drawn to my journal to scratch illegible sentences into the pages in blue ink. I know I will take out that same journal and read over it at a later date and think about how the writing does not look like my own, and try to pick out some of the words that were written in a scramble.
This happens more often than not. My writing changes from mood to mood, the style and even the font. It was first noticed about 15 years ago by a therapist. She asked if I had ever noticed that my writing changed from mood to mood, day to day. I hadn’t noticed up until that point, but as I started to read through my journals it was very obvious. Mania or depression played a part in the way the words were written, in my choices of descriptive wording, and how my paragraphs were styled.
Sometimes when I was angry the wording and paragraph structure was angry too. It was visible. You could look at it and know that I was angry when I wrote it without even reading the words.
My journals were personal. For me. Well really for my psychiatrist and therapist. They deserve the credit for me and my writing. Without them I would never have known that writing was my creative outlet. I am very grateful for the gift that that I found because of necessity to express my feelings to them because I found it hard to talk. Writing and then reading it to them was easier because I could disassociate from the fact that I was reading my own story.
So many things that I needed to express to my psychiatrist, but my mouth would not speak the words. My writing became my voice. It described scenarios that I was unable to articulate otherwise.
This became a way of expression for me. I get drawn to paper to write, or more recently I get drawn to the computer to write out what I am feeling inside. Which is why I keep getting drawn back to this editor, I need to express myself and the urge to write is so strong it is like craving something.
So I sit, and I write.