A long time ago…well truthfully a not so very long time ago….even a short while ago, I would have cared, and I would have cared deeply. I would have frantically tried to fix whatever the problem was and smooth it over. Because I was a fixer. That is what I did. I was always afraid of confrontation. I did everything in my power to make sure everyone around me were taken care of and that no one was hurting because of something I did or something I said.
I always took a step back from myself to fix someone else’s problem. After all I never cared about myself as deeply as I cared about other people. It was mostly because I knew I was not worth the trouble. Why take time to try to fix the unfixable?
I used to want to be liked. I used to want to be accepted. But oftentimes I felt out of place. I always cared too deeply about what other people thought about me.
I was afraid to say no. I was also afraid to ask for help when I needed it the most.
Don’t get me wrong, I sometimes held on to grudges, and I sometimes cried over them. But I always tried to smooth them over as best as possible.
Nowadays I have learned to try to help myself a little more. When I am ‘sick’ I choose not to put myself in situations that make me feel more agitated or make the hypomania/mania symptoms more visible. I try to hide them and confine myself to my house when I am able to. But when I try to hide the symptoms it causes the irritation and agitation to become worst and I tend to get more and more frustrated with my surroundings and even more so with myself.
It feels like I need to crawl out of my body to get some relief.
I have learned that I am who I am and I am beginning to not care what people think about me anymore. I have let go of the feelings of wanting to belong, of needing to be liked and accepted.
I am who I am, accept me wholly or not at all.
I no longer give a shit!!