Wholly or not at all.

A long time ago…well truthfully a not so very long time ago….even a short while ago,  I would have cared, and I would have cared deeply.  I would have frantically tried to fix whatever the problem was and smooth it over.  Because I was a fixer.  That is what I did. I was always afraid of confrontation.  I did everything in my power to make sure everyone around me were taken care of and that no one was hurting because of something I did or something I said.

I always took a step back from myself to fix someone else’s problem. After all I never cared about myself as deeply as I cared about other people.  It was mostly because I knew I was not worth the trouble.  Why take time to try to fix the unfixable?

I used to want to be liked.  I used to want to be accepted.  But oftentimes I felt out of place.  I always cared too deeply about what other people thought about me.

I was afraid to say no.  I was also afraid to ask for help when I needed it the most.

Don’t get me wrong, I sometimes held on to grudges, and I sometimes cried over them.  But I always tried to smooth them over as best as possible.

Nowadays I have learned to try to help myself a little more.  When I am ‘sick’ I choose not to put myself in situations that make me feel more agitated or make the hypomania/mania symptoms more visible.  I try to hide them and confine myself to my house when I am able to.  But when I try to hide the symptoms it causes the irritation and agitation to become worst and I tend to get more and more frustrated with my surroundings and even more so with myself.

It feels like I need to crawl out of my body to get some relief.

I have learned that I am who I am and I am beginning to not care what people think about me anymore.  I have let go of the feelings of wanting to belong, of needing to be liked and accepted.

I am who I am, accept me wholly or not at all.

I no longer give a shit!!

7 thoughts on “Wholly or not at all.

    1. Yeah while writing it I was all tough, but yes it is much much easier said than done. I tend to think “I don’t give a shit” while my heart is screaming “yes you do!”

      Liked by 1 person

  1. I was left out and alone as a kid. The other kids, the jocks, the cheerleaders, surfers, shop geeks, academics, drama people, none of them would return a ‘hello’ in the hallway because then they would feel ‘accountable,’ socially to me. At least I think that’s why I was burned so much. But I liked this post a lot. Recently I’ve had some rejections and wondered why someone would schedule twice, not show up and not call to follow up, and then act like nothing happened. How do people live with themselves when they do that? I’m not sure, but it happens to me. Allison
    oh, by the way, the only people who were nice to me were the stoners. So for a while I hung out with them until I became a jock, a jock who had tried year after year to make the volleyball team and was always told that I wasn’t good enough and to stop trying. After the scholarship to Stanford, some of those bitchy female coaches got to eat their words. And then my Dad started dating one of the meanest of the mean. It’s as if he disrespected my feelings. I have Daddy issues big time.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I dig this article and can relate. As I finally reached, it’s about my own recovery and not them. I finally let go of the people who hurt me. I took a step back and focused on my own happiness and peace of mind. Honestly, I don’t know what made me make the 360, it just happened after I was diagnosed with my mental illness. Perhaps, it was my drive to want to get better. Great article!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you. I think that is good insight. I don’t know what made me have a change of mind either. But maybe you are right. I was first diagnosed with mental illness back when I was 18, ptsd, anxiety, suicide attempt, self injury and depression. The bipolar diagnosis is as of 3 years ago. So I have truly been dealing with this for over 15 years. Even the bipolar, family can look back and pretty much describe it, I can look back at some of it in retrospect and see it too.

      And I agree, I just want to be well for my husband, for me, and most of all for my kids.

      Liked by 1 person

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