So I spent the majority of yesterday and the majority of today sleeping.  I slept 11 hours Tuesday night, then another two Wednesday afternoon then another 3 (slept off an on) Wednesday evening.  By 11:30 Wednesday night I was in bed, and I would say by 12:30 asleep.  I Never woke up until about 11 this morning.  By 1:15 I was back in bed and slept till after 5.

I woke up in a extremely bad mood.

I have cried off an on several times since yesterday.  My emotions are all over the place today. I have been dreaming really bad dreams.

I feel like I have checked out of reality for 2 days and everything around me is a mess.  And everything inside me is in a huge shamble.  Crumbling.  I am hurting, I am crying inside and outside, I am frustrated and I just want to crawl under a rock and cease to be.

I do not know why.

I got upset with my husband over dumb things, I know they are dumb things but I cannot stop myself.

I told him that when I am upset and stuff and something is wrong it would be nice to just ask how I am and want a genuine answer.  I also told him that I wish at some point in his life that he has to deal with mental illness within himself because its no a picnic, its harsh.

Truth be told I do not wish mental illness on anyone, I just wish that he would understand sometimes.

I feel in the recent years, that we have drifted….or maybe its just my jaded mind today.

18 thoughts on “…….

  1. Aww, I am sorry that you are feeling so bad tight now. I don’t know what you suffer with inside, but I do understand some of the challenges that go along with bipolar disorder. It does get harder sometimes for others to be loving and supportive when dealing with the frequent mood swings and “stuff”. Still, they need to realize just how important it is for them to be empathetic and understanding. The least they could do is listen, be there, and give affection and support. I wish I had a better idea of what you need to hear to help you, so I could say it to you. I guess I will just give you a virtual…..hug. My best to you. Please remember there are other people out here who care about you and care about the troubles you are dealing with. Peace, and hugs to you.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you very much luvbearlvx.

      Sometimes I am not even sure what it is that I am feeling on the inside myself. But I have a good idea of what is going on today. I think the internal struggles that I have been holding and hiding for so long are finally getting the better of me. There used to be a time when I told my husband everything that was mental health related with me, but lately I tend to cower and hide it. I try not to have him worry any more than he needs to. This is frustrating for me, but it is what I need to do right now.

      I do not think he is able to handle things if they get bad….this in itself is scary for me.

      I have spent the majority of this evening crying off and on as I write with tears rolling down my cheeks. Its a hard topic I write today, it may never get shared, but I am writing it non the less .

      Liked by 1 person

      1. All my positive thoughts I send your way. Possibly your husband may be more resilient than you think. I don’t know. I just wish you help and hope in resolving your inner struggles. And maybe writing things down will help you in figuring things out!

        Liked by 1 person

      1. I am thinking klonopin is the same as i am taking but it is called clonozapam here? I remember taking it in hospital but it did nit make me sleep but here and now it is, and I am not sure if it is the meds fault or not but my mind is a mess.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Yes. That’s the name. If I’m honest I feel worse on medications than off them and I have lived without them a long time! But I’m giving it a chance. I’m six months into treatment and am willing to give this two years to find the right combinations of drugs to manage all this mess. And if I do find it and one day if fails, I will give other things a chance. I’m trying to think this way to not grab the impulse of ditching it all since I feel worse on meds than off.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. I know exactly what you mean, I have been on a whole bunch of medications since I was diagnosed in 2012. I had been on meds before that years before but just stopped them and said frig it. But I know now that I need to be on them. I do not do well without them anymore. Some meds were very bad for me, such as lithium which I had a bad reaction to about 30 minutes after taking my first dosage, and valproic acid which was very very sedating for me, I was having trouble waking up, felt like I was just under the surface of water and could hear my husband calling me up but was unable to wake. I know what you mean when you say you are trying to find the ways not to grab the impulse of ditching it. Just tonight I said to a friend that I felt like flushing all my meds and saying fuck it. She asked if I would be scared doing so. and I said right now, no because I am in such a mess, but normally yes, because I know what happens.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Hi Whispers. I feel your pain. How often do you have days or collections of days like this? I have read often that for bipolars, sometimes sleeping too much on just one night or a few nights in a row can bring on depression. I have a bad back, and it wakes me up and demands that I get up and change positions each am, so I rarely have a night where I get a lot of sleep. I’d ask what meds your on, if your bipolar 1 or 2. But that’s personal. sometimes our bipolarity is so strong that on occasion it overrides even the strongest of med cocktails. I know that that is particularly true amongst schizophrenics who might be on four antipsychotics are still are paranoid and think that the CIA is following them. I wonder I think I asked you before, what part of world you live.
    email biszanta@hotmail.com if you email me I would offer my phone number. I am not a creep, theif or mindf***ker. How long have you had this? Me? 25 years, in good times, in remission and in full relapse when the antidepressants stop working. I’m in the middle of an extensive, complicated and painful dental procedure program of implants and extractions. Today I had a big one, and I wasn’t ready for it. My meds had made my immune system weak, and my last two dental invasive procedures always involved a one month pain and bed-bound healing process. Plus Amoxicillin doesn’t work for me anymore. Certain doctors don’t want to deal with me because I have so many issues. Does that ever happen to you when you are trying to explain a complication that might be relatively relevant, that the doctors tune you out? I’ve had so much malpractice with doctors and should have sued at least three times and was told by a lawyer that I had a million dollar case before his 1/3 cut.But I wanted to move on when I discovered the mistake and began to heal.

    Did you know that we with mood disorders are three times as likely to have other problems, it’s called “comorbidity?” And when that happens, especially if it happens when we are depressed, it’s hard to take care of oneself. I’m glad I’m not alone. My husband has long ago tired of my whining. He thinks I made a big deal and project negatively about certain things that have happened in the past happening again. I think I’m just being realistic about future repeating itself. Take care, sleep with the angels and remember, what goes down, must come back up. It’s our nature. One more thing, I know you are sleepy but I read somewhere that the best thing for depression is to try to learn something, to make your brain run in a different direction. So I decided, after breaking down and seeing 50 Shades on Xfinity on TV on Demand for five bucks…this female lead character, the book that changed her life and compelled her to become and English Lit major was a book called “Tess of the D’Ubervilles.” It’s like Jayne Eyre or Wuthering Heights and It is a study in female misery but It’s damn good escape. I’m only 130 pages in, and I’ve had to look up 40 words in the dictionary, and 1/4 of those words aren’t even in the dictionary. As you can tell, it’s having its’ effect, I’m running manic. Does that happen to you?

    One more thing I’m wondering. A few times I’ve had psychiatrists refuse to treat me because I have the neurological side effect of Tardive Dyskinesia from antipsychotics. They are afraid, they say, that if it worsens under their care, I will sue them. The word “Litigious” was used. In my case it was Geodon ….a drug that did not control my mania and I couldn’t sleep past three am. I was on it because some dumb therapist at an Eating Disorder program said that I was gaining too much weight with Seroquel. So I took this Geodon, journaled for three hours every am, from 3am to 6am, then went for a two hour walk, then went to group therapy three times a week. No one noticed I was as manic as a loon, but I have the journals from that period still, and some excerpts will go in my book because in a supernatural way or a preternatural way, they make sense. I also had psychiatrist refuse to treat me due to a twenty five year old cocaine habit. They don’t treat people with substance abuse in their history, they say. They are so uncool. They are basically saying that of the mentally ill, they refuse to see at least 1/3 of it. All this shit goes into my trilogy
    Bipolaralternativemusicradiochck…unless you can think of a better name.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi there and thanks for commenting. I don’t often go the sleeping too much unless I am depressed. I just went through over 72 hours with only 5 hours of sleep. Started clonozapam and now this I cannot get enough sleep thing is happening. I have been diagnosed with Bipolar disorder for just over 3 years, but there is no doubt that it has been there for well over 20 years. Mental Illness started with me at age 12/13, but I never started getting help until I was 18 after a suicide attempt. I have been given numerous diagnoses. From PTSD, depression, anxiety, Suicidal idealization and self injury tendencies. Over the years. I got my diganosis for Bipolar disorder in 2012, and the diagnosis fit. It makes a lot more sense now. For myself and my family. My diagnosis was bipolar disorder most likely type 2, but thats been wondered about here and there by my doctor. I currently take Tegretol as my mood stabilizer, chlorpromazine for a anti psychotic, Wellbutrin for may Anti depressant, and am currently taking clonazapam but only for 7 days to try to sleep which is seems to be helping better then it did the last time.


  3. I read what you wrote and immediately felt your pain. I just went straight to Twitter and tweeted: IT SUCKS WHEN OUR EMOTIONS ARE ALL OVER THE PLACE! SLEEP, CRY, SCREAM, BUT PLEASE DON’T FEEL BAD, IT’S NOT OUR FAULT!
    3 retweets and 5 favorites and it’s only been 7 minutes all because of how amazing you are!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Aww thanks so much for your very kind words Tracy! It means a lot to me that you were able to feel what I wrote and felt it good enough to share. Gentle hugs xo


  4. I’m so sorry you’re going through all of these emotions. I know how exhausting it can be. Do you remember if anything in particular triggered this? I hope you can feel better soon.

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s