The Mirror

A few years ago for quite a few months, close on a year actually….. I was unable to look in the mirror. I hated what I saw there. Actually, hate is not a strong enough word, I despised the reflection that looked back at me.

She was everything that I did not want to be.

She was weak. She had let mental illness take over her life and I hated her for it. I hated her for the things she had done while I was ‘sick’. I hated her for the hurt she caused my family, I hated her for the hurt she caused herself.

I hated. I despised.

I wanted to die. I willed the earth to open up and just swallow me whole. But of course that did not happen. But that did not stop me from wishing it every minute of every day.

I no longer believed in myself, I no longer trusted myself or my judgement. I had made some very bad decisions and I hurt people whom I love.

I felt very vulnerable.

I had lost control of my life and I was extremely scared that I was going to lose control again.

I had spent a lot of my life out of control. Just spinning in every direction. And to be there again after so much time, frankly, scared the shit out of me.

I was scared. I was tired. I was mad.

Scared of how bad the illness had gotten. Tired of the illness, tired of being me. Mad at myself, in ways I did not even know were possible.

My mind was in chaos, my life was in chaos and I was in so much emotional pain that I was positive that I would not get through it.

I could not see past my mistakes. I could not see past the hurt I had caused.

If I happened to look at my reflection, I would call her names. Hateful names. I would tell her “I wish you would just die”.

It was a bad time.

I took to writing on the mirror. Words of encouragement.

“This is not how your story ends.” “Believe” “Love”.

So instead of seeing myself if I accidentally looked in the mirror I would see messages. They were written there to help me get through. But to be honest it took me a long time to even believe any of the words I had written.

I got through this time. I am not even sure how. It took a LOT of work.

And although I do not really like the mirror, even now, I can manage to look at myself with less hatred. I no longer completely despise what I see there.

Sometimes I catch glimpses of the pain I went through during that time. But other times I see a glimmer of the strength that I pulled from somewhere deep inside to pull myself through one of the most difficult times in my life.

The mirror reflects not only an image of my physical self but it reflects images of my soul, my emotional self.

Sometimes I still have inklings of negative feelings for the reflection. A little hatred, some sadness, maybe a little mad at what I see. But more often than not, I see strength. A strength that pulled me through, a strength that helped me fight and a strength that will always be there.


9 thoughts on “The Mirror

    1. I find it kind of interesting how we all feel the same to some extent. I wish no one had to feel this way, but it seems to be a big part of the mental illness. I am sorry that you have felt this way at times in your life but glad that things have been a bit better lately. hugs.

      Liked by 1 person

  1. Snap !
    I only have 1 mirror in my house…which is a small one above the bathroom sink.
    But I only glimpse in it quickly to check my hair.

    I try to avoid other objects which show my reflection too.
    shop windows, shiny taps/metal.
    Hate Web cams, photos, snap chat….etc…

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Sorry that you also deal with this. I was exactly how you describe, avoiding reflections. And I hated the camera, I deleted all my pictures off Facebook when I was going through everything. Now I am still picky with pictures, and I have never used snap chat, and I never use the web cam anymore.

      Mental illness has a very strong hold on us, but one step at a time we are overcoming some of it, even if it is just for a little while, a few days, a few hours.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I see the wasteland that I have become, but I force myself to look into the mirror still. That’s me, warts all over but still me. I was wondering if, in light of recent events, I should preface similar posts with a trigger warning, but now after reading your post, I think all posts that come from the heart are trigger posts and will always be. Am I making any sense?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes you are totally making sense. I think my webpage is a trigger for some people, so anything that I post could possibly trigger something inside someone. Because its deep, its honest, its brutal so it can trigger.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. that is wonderful, how you changed how you saw yourself, by the messages you left for yourself to see later. i too often have the mirror issue-i hate all things about my reflection, about who ‘it/i’ is. perhaps i too need to remind myself that is not the entire me, that some of me is pretty awesome!


    1. It was hard to do but it definitely can be done. Not every aspect of us is defective, not every aspect is bad, and that is a lesson that I think we all need to learn.

      I think we are all awesome in our own ways, each of us have different abilities and attributes that make us unique and amazing.

      You are awesome 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

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