Why is it that some insignificant thing from the past can be the one thing that still causes insecurities in the present?
On June 5th I wrote a guest blogger post for a blog called REBEL WITH A CAUSE.
I decided to write on how I was diagnosed with different mental health issues over the years to finally getting the diagnosis of bipolar disorder and how it just made sense.
Today I am sharing that post because I like to keep track of my writings here on the blog.
The following is the post:
I was asked to write this post a while ago, but to be honest I had no idea where to start. What topic I wanted to write on, and which direction it was going to head in. So I am going to sit here and let my fingers type whatever it is that my heart and soul want to say.
I have bipolar disorder. I was diagnosed just over 3 years ago after a 5 and a half week hospital stay. Although I am fairly certain and my doctor is also fairly certain that I was undiagnosed for years before that.
Mental health issues have been a part of my life since I was around 12 or 13 years old. But unfortunately I did not get help until after a suicide attempt when I was 18.
I have had numerous diagnoses over the years. Some of them fit, but they never quite fit. You know, it was kind of like when you fit a small circle inside a square. It fits….but it does not fill the square to make it whole.
We knew I had depression, we knew I had some issues with obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD), we knew I had suicidal idealization and self-injurious tendencies, and we knew I had post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) but these were only part of the picture, these were the circle filling the square hole.
Bipolar was the one thing that finished filling the square and fit. It was like someone shining a light down on the situation, finally. The different parts of the cycle of bipolar disorder were all parts of my life. In retrospect I could see them staring me in the face.
It felt like a weight had been lifted because finally everything was beginning to make sense. Everything suddenly fell into place. As I read and researched more about bipolar disorder I began to realize just how fitting this diagnosis was.
My diagnosis would change my life in some ways, but more importantly it would help make sense of a life already lived.
I could look back on decisions made, situations I would rather not relive, and manic excitement and understand just where it came from. Instead of always wondering why I made the decisions I made, and always trying to make sense of situations that I had no control over.
And finally after years of bad decisions, misunderstood conversations, misconstrued situations, I had finally come full circle.
It may sound kind of strange to someone who has never been there, but my diagnosis of bipolar disorder made me finally feel like I was not crazy. It put a name to all of the chaos that has been going on inside my brain, my life and my heart.
Not that labels really make a difference in life, but this label changed how I was able to manage my mental illness. It helped not only myself but my doctor better manage what was going on with me through the right therapies and medications.
Bipolar disorder did not change my life in some ways, but in other ways bipolar disorder was the change that I needed in my life to get the most appropriate help.
My post can be found here: https://bipolarbrainiac.wordpress.com/2015/06/05/guest-blogger-bipolar-whispers/