I had a dream last night. I woke up feeling like I had been in a long standing cycling nightmare.
In reality it was probably all of 5 minutes long.
It was so vivid, in a weird black and white kind of way. If that makes sense.
I dreamed that myself and another woman ended up in a psychiatric hospital.
I have no idea who this woman was, no recollection of who she was suppose to be in my real life. She had curly hair, was taller than me and skinny.
The hospital was, crisp. Black and white with silver tones. Everything was bright. Vivid.
We were both checked in and put in the same room. (odd I know)
The room was oddly shaped. Instead of the standard rectangle one wall was like the short end of a rectangle with a window on it and a bed going down its side just off from the wall.
Then there were two long walls….the sides of a standard rectangle.
But one wall was shorter than the other. The one on the right entering the room was shortest and it sort of made this diagonal corner space.
This was where my bed was.
I remember a nurse talking to me. And then being in shock because my husband arrives. I remember wondering how he knew where I was and then realization setting in that the hospital staff must have called him.
He walks into the room, he does not hug me, he does not touch me, he does not ask how I am.
He proceeds to take his wedding band off and he holds it out. I put my hand out, palm up and he drops the ring into my hand.
Our eyes lock, and he leaves.
I begin to cry, feeling as if my heart is breaking.
**This is where I wake up**
I felt like I had been dreaming a nightmare of epic proportions.
I have had a yuck day every since. Of course because of the dream I did not sleep well last night. Today I read for a bit and then slept for a bit. I feel more rested now than I did this morning.
Realization for me: I am terribly afraid that my mental illness will eventually push him away. I am afraid of symptoms getting worst, I am afraid of changes in my mood, behavior. I am afraid that eventually it will all be too much for him.
And I am most afraid that at that point he will be….