Drowning

I am underwater.  Looking up I can see a dim filtered light but I am unable to break the surface.  I am suffocating, water leaking into my lungs.  I am drowning. Sinking deeper and deeper beneath the surface.

I am only just admitting to myself that I am depressed.

It has been coming for a while, maybe it has even been here for a while.  But I would not admit that there was a problem.  I have been hiding it from everyone, including myself.

I don’t want to do anything, I don’t want to go anywhere and I am not sleeping well night time, and am tending to somewhat sleep in the late morning early afternoon, and even then its not good sleep.  I do not want to drag myself out of bed when I wake up.  Even when I am awake I just want to lay there and not do anything.

I feel like a failure of a mother and wife because I feel that the things my children are going to remember about me right now is the fact that I am doing these things. I should be more present.  I feel like a failure of a friend because I don’t give a shit if I go anywhere or do anything, I am letting the people closest to me down and I am so frustrated with myself.

I feel like a failure because I have went the past 9 months without medications and for the most part I was doing well.  Don’t get me wrong I am not naive, I know Bipolar disorder does not just disappear, that it would rear its ugly head at some point.

I look in the mirror and I hate the person I see.  I curse her.  She is nothing…. I am nothing.

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About bipolarwhisper

Mental health blogger. Bipolar, PTSD, OCD, Anxiety. Lover of butterflies. Risen out of the ashes like a phoenix. Survivor. Contact me at: Email: bipolarwhispers@gmail.com Twitter: @bipolarwhisper
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