Zoloft Crazy?

That moment when…

the depression is so bad you feel like you have failed everyone and everything and as much as you want to go to sleep and not wake up you have to keep on breathing.

Such was me a few weeks ago, me before coming off the Zoloft.

The Zoloft that made life worst.  The Zoloft that made me fee crazy.  The Zoloft that made me want to harm myself.  The Zoloft that made me put the breaks on while driving because I thought someone was crossing the road and when I blinked no one was there (among other stories), The Zoloft that made me dream dreams that I thought were real, absolute. The Zoloft that did not mix well with alcohol.  The Zoloft that did not let me sleep but yet made me feel like I wanted to go to sleep and not wake up. The Zoloft that made me paranoid.  The Zoloft that changed me.

Now I am off the Zoloft, and in just a couple of weeks I already feel a ton better, not ‘normal me’ better, but not Zoloft crazy.

Back one one of my old faithful medications, Tegertol.

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Bipolar Whispers is 2

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Bipolar Whispers Blog is 2.

I cannot believe it has been 2 years since I first started the Bipolar Whispers blog.  I started this in a Manic high to let out frustrations to write to my hearts content and to express things I could not even begin to express in my ‘real’ life.

This past year was a lot slower than the first 6 months or so of the blog, but lately I have been trying to get some content out.  Thanks to everyone who has been reading for the past two years and thanks to all my new readers.

Be sure to read through my older content, you will find a lot of good information and a lot of soulful and heart felt writings there. 

Lets hope that I can get back to the basic reasons for starting this blog and make year 3 fantastic.

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Sometimes.

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Sometimes the despair and destruction and chaos inside is more real than the conversation or situation that I am in.  To the point where I forget things because of the devastation that I am going through at that particular time.  Such is the story of Friday/Saturday.

I know it was bad, horrible, I know I bared my soul, but I cannot remember most of it.

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Please don’t, Please do.

Please don’t underestimate me because of my illness.

Please don’t Judge me because of my illness.

Please don’t feel threatened by me because of my illness.

Please don’t leave me out because of my illness.

Please don’t forget the good times when the bad times of my illness rear its ugly head.

Please don’t confuse my indifference about activities with me not actually wanting to do them.

Please don’t use the name of my illness`as an adjective.

Please do stand by me when I need you.

Please do remember the good times.

Please do remember that I want to be better, I do not choose to be sick.

Please do have patience with me, because often I do not have any patience for myself.

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Sleep disturbances.

In the past 144 hours (6 days) I have slept 24.5 hours in total, and all very very broken sleep.  The most I have slept in a row is about 1.5-2 hours.  Some of those days I only slept 2.5 hours and one of them I managed to sleep 6 hours, but it was absolutely brutal trying to get all of those 6 hours. They were extremely broken.  The time I slept 6 hours I never took any meds.  Tonight I haven’t taken any again to see if I can sleep, but it is already after 4 AM and I am here writing.

I don’t feel manic or anything, I just don’t seem to need sleep or can’t sleep.  The only symptoms I am having other than issues with sleeping is maybe little tingles in my arms and body from the lack of sleep and a little bit of fuzzy-ness that seems to come and go.

I am however having trouble distinguishing between what I have dreamed and reality.  It only happened the one time.  Today I tried to sleep, I dreamed that my daughter came home and I had a conversation with her at 12:30 ish (that was the time in the dream).   When I woke up I thought that the conversation was truth, absolute.  But she was not even home, she was in school for the day.  I actually woke up and asked my husband if she had come home from school, I thought it really happened.  And although I know it did not happen I still almost feel like it did.

I am trying really hard right now to make my self sleep at least some, so I know that I am for the most part of sound mind.  We have some appointments coming up this week that I need to be able to function in, so I am really concerned about this lack of sleep and what it could mean, if anything.

Anyway, just wanted to update a little, as I am really trying to begin writing and blogging more.

How is everyone?

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Started med.

Finally built up the nerve to take the first of the Zoloft last night. (Feb 6th) Every since my bad reaction to Lithium I am nervous taking new medications.  Even stuff I have taken before makes me a little nervous.

I have only slept for an hour.

I am getting my kids off to school and going to “try” to sleep.

I feel quite a bit of nausea and my body tingles.  But nothing major.

Will update again soon.

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Resuming medication

After 9 and 1/2 months med free……

Zoloft

New one for me.  I may have taken it for a short while when I was hospitalized back in 2012, but I am not completely sure as I was hospitalized for 5 and 1/2 weeks and went through so many med cocktails at that time and I was so sick I don’t know half of what was going on anyway.

I am a little nervous because it is a SSRI med and I am not currently on any mood stabilizers or anti psychotics to combat any form of mania that may or may not rear.  I cannot remember the last time I was on an Anti D without a stabilizer…..

But I would take the beginnings of mania any day over what I feel right now.

The beginning is always fun, wild…..but we all know where that ends up.

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