Bipolar as an adjective

A Bipolar journey is one of extremes, one of differences, emotions, opposites.  To me, in my eyes it is a spectrum.  The spectrum of someone with Bipolar Disorder can be so vast that many times I feel like no two of us are alike.

Yet I know we are alike.  We have similarities. We follow similar patterns.  We do similar things.  But at the same time we are different.  We do things at different levels, different planes.

Bipolar Disorder consists of so much, it is complex in design.  It is not just the adjective that today’s society has made it out to be.  It is not the the descriptive word often used in every day speech to describe someone who has a mood swing caused my something small or a remark that made someone angry.  It is not just “oh he/she is so bipolar”.  It is not just a snappy mood, or getting angry, or teenage rebellion.

For me, it is many different things at many different times.  It is flying, soaring like a bird, free.  Yet is is Chaos and frustration, destruction and despair.

How can it be all of these things, good and bad, you ask?

Anyone diagnosed with Bipolar disorder understands what I mean when I say that.  You know what it is like to feel all of those things at different times and sometimes even at the same time.

I can describe my mania with good and bad words.  I can explain the euphoric feelings of the “good” mania and then in the same breath I can describe the chaos enriched mixtures of the “bad” mania.

I can explain how in a mania or hypomania induced state I was able to go weeks on as little as 20 hours  of sleep.  How I took my cupboard doors off all of my cupboards (I have a very very large kitchen), repainted inside and out, put all new hinges on them, re hung them and changed the color of the doors, and scrubbed the knobs then then replaced everything into my cupboards in 2 days or less, when I had never done anything like that before.

I can tell you I spent hours in a mania writing some of the best writing I have ever created.

I can tell you how I made raised garden beds and planted carrots, peas, beans, potatoes, and pumpkins and I wanted to raise chickens.

I can tell you that during mania I cannot stay still.  I clean, I cook and I move around my house doing things at alarming rates.

But I can also tell you that I had to keep shaking my leg and moving my hands just to sit to eat, just to check email, just to write. Because I had to move.

I can tell you that I drove around for hours to keep my kids from seeing how bad the mania was getting, even when I truly should not have been driving.  That a friend drove around with me for hours in order to try to keep me focused enough to be able to drive.  In order to keep me in check so to speak.

I can tell you I talked so fast that my husband and closest friends were unable to understand me.  That I jumped all over the place in my conversation that my conversation was not even able to be followed.

I can tell you that I couldn’t read a book because I couldn’t understand what I was reading…but I could research raising chickens for hours on end, or whatever else I was fixated on during that particular mania.

I can tell you that what starts as the fun life of the party mania always turns into more damaging mania.

The one where the paranoia creeps in, where people on cell phones, even complete strangers are out to get me, they are being devious and are plotting something against me.

The one where those two people sitting at the coffee shop table, whom I do not even know and are sharing a laugh over a memory are really (but of course only in my mind) laughing at me.  Making fun of me.

I can tell you about the heightened senses.  About the times when colors and lights are super vivid.  When my eyes hurt because everything around me is over sharp, over focused.  Or about the times when everything is loud, even the thoughts inside my head sound like thunder.  I can tell you about the times I am so perceptive I can almost feel the earth turning.

And those…..they are just the bits and pieces of the mania.  Just the tip of an iceberg.

I can also tell you about the depression.  Not just a passing sadness, but the deep dark hell hole of despair that I am unable to dig myself out of.

I can tell you about the times I want to go to sleep and never wake up, even though I didn’t want to actually die.

I can tell you about the times I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror because I hated, loathed and despised the person looking back.

I can tell you about the times I held blades or hot lighters to my skin just to feel.  Just to get a release.  About the times I pulled my hair or scratched my arms and legs while hiding because I needed to feel but I was unable to cut or burn at that particular moment in time.

I can tell you about the times I sat contemplating suicide.  Just seconds away from downing more meds than I even care to mention, or slicing a knife across my wrists, or jumping in front of a moving transport truck.

I can tell you about the actual suicide attempt, about the hospital stays when the mania or depression gets too bad.

I can tell you about the countless medications I have taken to try to tame the Bipolar Beast. 

I can tell you about the times I don’t want to get out of bed and the times I don’t want to even get into bed.  About the times I don’t want anyone to touch me and about the times I need someone to hold me tight, to hold me together because I am falling apart.

And these are just some of the things I can tell you.

There are mixed states and manias, depressions, medication changes, hospitalizations, complications to medications (scary ones), times I drink alcohol just to feel, times the anxiety is so bad I feel like I am dying and the times I actually feel crazy.

But even though all of these things are a part of me, a part of my disorder…..they are not all of me.   I am so much more.

I have periods of “normal” mood, no mania, no depression. Periods where I work and become a functional part of society.

For me Bipolar Disorder is a spectrum with extreme mania on one end and extreme depression on the other.  But in the middle of the two are milder forms of the mania, hypomania, milder forms of depression, mixed episodes and of course the “normal” periods.

Because I am not just made up of the adjective Bipolar that people like to use.  Bipolar disorder is so much more.  So the next time you say “I am so Bipolar”  or “She is so Bipolar” perhaps you should take a moment to read some information on what real Bipolar disorder is all about, because I am fairly certain you won’t use it as an adjective after that.

I had no filter – the alcohol gave the paranoia a voice

So pretty much since February 24th I have been in a weird place mentally.   December, January, and part of February brought with it a little depression.  Nothing serious.  But just a nagging sensation that I was part of the way under the balance line of normal.

There was some stress. Some anxiety.  Some “I do not want to go out” , “No I do not want to go to that Christmas party”.

I hate winter.  I mean I hate it.  If I could come inside in December and not go outside anymore until April I would be a happy camper.  Perhaps I should begin hibernating?!?

So a little withdrawn, a little depression.  Nothing serious.  I have seen worst.  I have had worst.

February month is always difficult for me.  My Dad passed away in February when I was a child. So I see this every year.

So since February 24th I have been having a more unusual sleep schedule then my usual unusual sleep habits. Yes that sentence makes sense if you read it slow *winks*.  Sleeping very little for 3-4 days.  Then sleeping a bit better 4+ hours then a good day 8-9 hours.  Then back to sleeping very little.

With it came the sensations of being just slightly over the balance line.  Sometimes a little moderately over.

Not needing the sleep that I have lost.  Feeling like my skin is crawling, jittery.  A few projects here and there.  Lots of thoughts in my head, to the point of invading my thoughts mid sentence.  Shaky and some weight loss. Paranoia.

But this time some of my tell tale symptoms did not arrive.  I am not really talking fast, at least no faster then normal.  I am able to control myself a lot more from jumping up and doing more and more random things.  Trying very hard to maintain control.  Hiding as usual.

But there are some things that I do not usually experience.  Like increased sex drive – like wow…capital W.O.W.  Lots of writing.  I am so happy that this increased phase has lifted some of the writers block that I have been feeling for years.

On Saturday after having very little sleep.  30 minutes on Friday night.  I decided it would be a good idea to drink.  I drank 7 beer in a pretty short period of time.  And holy crap did it ever effect me.  Once  I got home I ended up crying – I have no idea why, and freaking out.  Much of which I do not remember, nor do I understand or know why.

I know that I felt like I had no filter.  Things were coming out of my mouth with out any thought to what I was saying, if the words were going to hurt anyone or if what I was saying was even true.

I feel like the alcohol gave the paranoia a voice.

It let thoughts come out of my mouth that I knew were paranoia in my normal non drunk stupor.  But in my drunken crying fit of a rage the paranoia was fierce.

The next day I feel dumb.  I always feel like the rage and crying, and not knowing why, was me being messed up.  That I need to stop these actions before I drive the people I love the most, furthest away from me.

That is a scary thought for me.  Loosing the people I love the most.  My biggest fear.

I am extremely lucky. My husband has stood by my side for the past 14 1/2 years.  He has seen a lot of my behaviors and although he might not always understand why I said what I said, or did what I did or felt the way I felt he has stood by me and helped me through them as best as he can.

And for that, I love him with all my heart.

*Side note – ha can I call it a side note if it appears at the end?  I saw my Psychiatrist today, we added a new med – hopefully this helps subside the manic possibilities that are mildly floating around inside me.*