the depression is so bad you feel like you have failed everyone and everything and as much as you want to go to sleep and not wake up you have to keep on breathing.
Such was me a few weeks ago, me before coming off the Zoloft.
The Zoloft that made life worst. The Zoloft that made me feel crazy. The Zoloft that made me want to harm myself. The Zoloft that made me put the breaks on while driving because I thought someone was crossing the road and when I blinked no one was there (among other stories), The Zoloft that made me dream dreams that I thought were real, absolute. The Zoloft that did not mix well with alcohol. The Zoloft that did not let me sleep but yet made me feel like I wanted to go to sleep and not wake up. The Zoloft that made me paranoid. The Zoloft that changed me.
Now I am off the Zoloft, and in just a couple of weeks I already feel a ton better, not ‘normal me’ better, but not Zoloft crazy.
Back one one of my old faithful medications, Tegertol.
I wanted to write out some confessions. Maybe some of them are not really confessions but facts in my life. Maybe it will help you get to know me a little better.
They are things that I deal with, that, well maybe you do too. Maybe some of these will make you feel less alone. And maybe, just maybe they may help me feel a little better by writing them out.
When I was first diagnosed I was somewhat hypomanic. I had been in hospital for 5 1/2 weeks with severe depression. I came home in a sorta mixed episode, mostly down, a little up. I clawed my way out of the depression and into a more stable and then up mood.
I saw my psychiatrist who gave me my diagnosis of Bipolar – most likely type 2.
The following is the root of confession #1 and #2. I came home sat down to the computer and wrote the following on my Facebook page:
“I have Bipolar disorder, but Bipolar disorder does NOT have me, It does not control my life, but I can choose to control it, and I refuse to let it define who I am as a person.”
Confession #1: I wrote it because I wanted the world to know I was out of hospital and there had been a reason for being there not just “She’s Crazy” as I thought people were saying.
Confession #2: Even thought I wrote that quote on my Facebook I do Sometimes feel like Bipolar disorder does define me.
Confession #3: I sometimes wonder if past childhood trauma had a hand to play in my mental health problems.
Confession #4: I am afraid of the dark….well not quite like it sounds. But I get anxious if I am alone in the dark. I know the reason behind this but am not ready to share it.
Confession #5: I self injured for 7 years, starting when I was 13. In the end I was self injuring numerous times, almost hourly.
Confession #6: I attempted suicide when I was 18 years old. I realized after that I did not want to die, I just wanted all the pain and hurt to stop and I was fortunate to have been able to get help.
Confession #7: My husband literally saved my life. I know without a doubt that I would not be here today if I had not met him when I did.
Confession #8: When I got pregnant with our daughter I was in a bad place. That pregnancy changed a lot of things for me. The song by Martina McBride Sums up how I feel about that:
But the truth is plain to see She was sent to rescue me I see who I wanna be In my daughter’s eyes
Confession #9: I hate, and I do mean HATE to the point of FEAR – Cabbage Patch Dolls, they are a huge trigger for me (yes I know why), I get anxious, my heart beats fast, I feel weak and get tingles going up my spine when I see one, or even a picture of one.
Confession #10: I have an almost identical fear of Ants – yes little crawling ants, black or red does not matter. I have had panic attacks over this little small bug – And yes I know why I have this reaction as well.
Confession #11: I sometimes like the hypomanic buzz that I get. The productivity. Being able to complete tasks quickly and more efficiently. New projects and researching things. (Until it gets really bad)
Confession #12: I do still have thoughts of self injury and have had slip ups since stopping. In fact the 5 1/2 weeks of hospitalization I spoke about earlier included self injury.
Confession #13: I hate odd numbers. Except 1. 1 is cool. The volume of anything has to be on an even number. If I purchase things it has to be in even numbers, unless I buy 1. Any more then 1 of anything is bought in even numbers, I prefer 6.
Confession #14: I have premonitions. I am serious. I get a thought, and if I do not act on it, something bad happens.
Confession #15: I have had eating issues all my life. When I was a child I barely ate, I was taken to drs but they said “She will eat when she is hungry”. Now I am a big woman and I go from binge eating, to eating very little several times a year. When I was in hospital I refused to eat. I lost 50 pounds (some was right before going in and a few after) and was very close to having a feeding tube inserted.
Confession #16: Sometimes when I look in the mirror I feel like I have lost myself and I do not recognize who is looking back at me. There was even a block of time when I refused to look in a mirror.
Confession #17: I was first diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Severe Depression, Suicidal idealization, and Self Injury tendencies when I was 18 years old.
Confession #18: I have used Alcohol in the past as an escape….but it almost always made things way worst.
Confession #19: Very few people know the circumstances behind my mental illnesses. I find it extremely hard to talk about. But typing or writing is much easier for me.
Confession #20: I am terrified that one of my children will have a mental illness and I fear that it will be my fault.