After all these years

Sometimes I wake up in the dark to the silent screams that my soul emits. And for a split second, that feels like an eternity, I have a sense of spine tingling fear.

Sometimes I wake up in the dark to my heart beating out of my chest. And I remember things that I have spent a lifetime trying to forget.

Sometimes I wake up in the dark with a million thoughts trespassing through my once calm slumber.

And I cringe inside because I know these thoughts, these feelings, this fear, and those memories…..are you.

Even after all these years.

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Sleep

Well the sleep that has eluded me all this time with this current mania came last night.  With all the meds, mood stabilizers and sleeping meds, and more mood stabilizers and more sleeping meds and Seroquel added to the mix (all prescribed and taken as prescribed) I slept between 12-13 hours.  Seriously that long.

I feel sluggish this afternoon, since I did just get up long enough to eat lunch.  I still feel the need to move quite a bit, like shake my legs etc.  I still cannot talk properly, stuttering and mmmmm ing a lot.  But I slept, so it has to be a step in the right direction….Right??

The mania has been calmer for a few days, not good, but calmer.

Wondering

When your Bipolar diagnosis gets moved from BP2 to BP1, does that mean its upgraded to 5 star accommodations or downgraded to 1 star accommodations?

And more so I wonder how long my doctor knew this tidbit of information….

Thursday over night and Friday were bad.  I was talking fast, then pressured, then stuttering and not able to get words or anything out.  I ended up in the Er, then transferred to a Mental health hospital.   Where to be honest I met the best Psychiatrists I have ever seen.

Tegertol increased to 200mgs, with being told to go to 300mgs if the mania did not begin to calm in a day or two (which I increased last night after the night before barely sleeping any). Trazodone 50mgs added for sleep.

First night all that along with the Zopiclone 7.5 managed to get me about 8 hours of sleep.  Second night, nothing touched me again.  Slept maybe 2 hours of broken sleep and woke yesterday with the major speech issues again, and feeling like I could not sit still and all the other lovely classic bipolar stuff.

Last night I managed to get about 2 hours of broken sleep in the night and about 2 hours of broken sleep sometime between 9 and 12:30.   Still having some speech issues but I would say its cleared up about 80%, seems the more I talk the worst it gets.

Seeing my own doctor tomorrow sometime to get meds situated and probably something better for sleep.  (Just a tidbit of info, all this happened 4 hours away from home for me and we came home on Saturday which is why I never saw my regular doctor before but Er and Mental Health Hospital.)

Music and Mania

I don’t know what it is but there is something about music and mania. Almost every time I am manic I like to listen to music and write.

Its like the music keeps me focused enough to be able to write something that makes more sense that the jumble that is inside my mind.

Sometimes I feel like the music is seeping into my soul.

I sit and I write and the constant movement of my hands flying across the keyboard and my leg shaking is somehow satisfying.  Fulfilling.

Its like, I cannot even explain the feelings that I am feeling at the moment.  It is truly bliss.  I love the feeling of my fingertips flying over the keys.  I love the sound of he soft clicking just under the sound of he music in my ears.

Little update

Sorry I have not been writing much lately.  I have a couple of things going on that is really taking up a ton of time, but they should be clued up within the next week and then I should be able to get back into writing again.

I am feeling pretty good lately but sleeping a lot more than normal, I am not sure if that is a result of the new medication or something else but I will keep an eye on it.  I am probably sleeping 10-16 hours in a 24 hour period and this is an extreme amount of sleep for me.  Anyone of you who have been following my blog for a while know that I never sleep like that.

I don’t feel depressed or anything, just really really seem to need a ton of sleep lately.

How are you all doing?  I would love to hear updates on everyone in the comments.

In the darkness.

When I close my eyes I see a darkness,

in the darkness I see a shimmer,

in the shimmer I see a reflection,

in the reflection I see a beast,

the Bipolar Beast.

Moderate Anxiety

Dealing with some anxiety here tonight, first time I felt like this in quite some time.  I was watching something on tv and I guess some of it hit home with some things that I was and have been going through in life.

I just started to feel like I couldn’t swallow and then my heart was fluttering and my whole body started to tingle.

In all honesty I should try to go to sleep since its close on 5 am………