Computer troubles

I have been having computer issues for a long time and we are just not in a position at the moment to be able to purchase a new laptop for me to be able to do my writing and blog up keep.

I just wanted to take a moment to let everyone know why I have went poof and haven’t been around, yet again.

I apologize.

In the meantime I am interested in hosting a couple of guest blogger posts. If you are interested feel free to email me at bipolarwhispers@gmail.com. The content of the blog post would have to be mental health related and appropriate. It would have to be approved for posting. I will link back to your blog and you can include a brief bio.

Also be sure to leave me a comment letting me know how you all are.

A few of my personal Depression signs.

Are you finding yourself not enjoying things that normally bring you joy? Is your sadness deeper than usual?

Here are a few of my personal signs that the depression side of Bipolar Disorder has arrived for me.

  • Hopelessness: I feel like everything around me is hopeless, everything I do is hopeless, my future is hopeless.
  • Dread/Disinterest: I have this deep down dread of doing anything outside my home. I have no interest in doing things with my friends, no interest in going to gatherings, and no interest in doing things that I normally take part in.
  • Irritability: I am irritated. Different irritation than manic irritation. Everything is bothering me and playing on my last nerve and I usually hold it all in until I end up exploding over something and letting it all bubble to the surface.
  • Sleep: Normally I am sleeping more than normal, but there have been times when I have had the opposite effect and have slept less than normal. More often than not its the sleeping more.
  • Inadequate: I always feel like I am not enough. Not enough of a wife. Not enough of a mother. That I am not doing a good job at anything. I feel insignificant. Like a speck of dust.
  • Anxiety: Worry and anxiety over things I normally wouldn’t worry about.
  • Weight gain: I eat my feelings. Enough said.
  • Deep emotional pain.

Guest bloggers, and an update

Just a quick update. Bipolar Whispers blog is fully back up and running. As you can see I have changed the theme/layout, all blog posts have the updated signature, some have been edited and some have been deleted.

I have added my social media information:

Facebook
Instagram
Twitter
Email: bipolarwhispers@gmail.com

Interested in being a guest blogger on Bipolar Whispers, email me at bipolarwhispers@gmail.com

I did this a few times in the past and am interested in doing a few more guest posts again in the future. If this is something that interests you feel free to email me at bipolarwhispers@gmail.com .

In the blog post I can add an image or two, your blog address, social media or anything else that might be relevant.

Finally, is there something you would like to see me blog about? Comment below with any blog ideas and I will do my best to write about them.

Clearly, Unclear

I feel like I’m drowning
and I am unable to swim strong enough
or fast enough to break through the surface

Or perhaps I’m falling
headed towards the earth at the speed of light
and my wings are much to bent to fly

I’m suffocating in a tornado of emotions
of spinning objects and chaos all around
and even with all the air surrounding me, I cannot breathe

My mind and emotions are out of control
confusion, disorientation, unclarity
I no longer know where I begin or where I end

After all these years

Sometimes I wake up in the dark to the silent screams that my soul emits. And for a split second, that feels like an eternity, I have a sense of spine tingling fear.

Sometimes I wake up in the dark to my heart beating out of my chest. And I remember things that I have spent a lifetime trying to forget.

Sometimes I wake up in the dark with a million thoughts trespassing through my once calm slumber.

And I cringe inside because I know these thoughts, these feelings, this fear, and those memories…..are you.

Even after all these years.

Like skittles to rainbows

I am connected to the darkness in the way that skittles are connected to rainbows, by color, not flavor.

I love the blackness, the charcoals, the purples and blues. I embrace the mist and the shadows.

I find the flamboyance of color to be chaos. but I have a calming penchant for all things dark.

I remember a time when the flavor of darkness was tainted with the particles and memories of real life monsters.

But today, as I’ve grown in the cusp of the shadows, I have learned to love the things of make believe stories and Hollywood movies. The draculas, the ghosts, the goblins and Frankenstien’s monster.

And my monster? It’s not so scary anymore.

Thoughts

My posts have been few and far between.  As with a lot of things that happen during manic episodes, Bipolar Whispers was started and thrived for a short while and due to a bunch of other reasons became something that got placed on the back burner of my life.

Not for lack of wanting it to become more.  Because I would love to have it go back to the thriving place that it once was.

I have debated taking posts down and starting over with republishing and working out the blog a bit better and trying to be more “here”.

After two years with no computer I am finally able to write in peace again.

Thoughts?

Sleep

Well the sleep that has eluded me all this time with this current mania came last night.  With all the meds, mood stabilizers and sleeping meds, and more mood stabilizers and more sleeping meds and Seroquel added to the mix (all prescribed and taken as prescribed) I slept between 12-13 hours.  Seriously that long.

I feel sluggish this afternoon, since I did just get up long enough to eat lunch.  I still feel the need to move quite a bit, like shake my legs etc.  I still cannot talk properly, stuttering and mmmmm ing a lot.  But I slept, so it has to be a step in the right direction….Right??

The mania has been calmer for a few days, not good, but calmer.

Wondering

When your Bipolar diagnosis gets moved from BP2 to BP1, does that mean its upgraded to 5 star accommodations or downgraded to 1 star accommodations?

And more so I wonder how long my doctor knew this tidbit of information….

Thursday over night and Friday were bad.  I was talking fast, then pressured, then stuttering and not able to get words or anything out.  I ended up in the Er, then transferred to a Mental health hospital.   Where to be honest I met the best Psychiatrists I have ever seen.

Tegertol increased to 200mgs, with being told to go to 300mgs if the mania did not begin to calm in a day or two (which I increased last night after the night before barely sleeping any). Trazodone 50mgs added for sleep.

First night all that along with the Zopiclone 7.5 managed to get me about 8 hours of sleep.  Second night, nothing touched me again.  Slept maybe 2 hours of broken sleep and woke yesterday with the major speech issues again, and feeling like I could not sit still and all the other lovely classic bipolar stuff.

Last night I managed to get about 2 hours of broken sleep in the night and about 2 hours of broken sleep sometime between 9 and 12:30.   Still having some speech issues but I would say its cleared up about 80%, seems the more I talk the worst it gets.

Seeing my own doctor tomorrow sometime to get meds situated and probably something better for sleep.  (Just a tidbit of info, all this happened 4 hours away from home for me and we came home on Saturday which is why I never saw my regular doctor before but Er and Mental Health Hospital.)

Music and Mania

I don’t know what it is but there is something about music and mania. Almost every time I am manic I like to listen to music and write.

Its like the music keeps me focused enough to be able to write something that makes more sense that the jumble that is inside my mind.

Sometimes I feel like the music is seeping into my soul.

I sit and I write and the constant movement of my hands flying across the keyboard and my leg shaking is somehow satisfying.  Fulfilling.

Its like, I cannot even explain the feelings that I am feeling at the moment.  It is truly bliss.  I love the feeling of my fingertips flying over the keys.  I love the sound of he soft clicking just under the sound of he music in my ears.