Exhausted, but not…..still flat.

The past day or so I have found myself exhausted but not tired, not sleepy…..just exhaustion clouding my mind.

At the same time I have found that I do not have much patience.  I want to do about 10 things at the same time.  Sit. Write. Watch a show. Clean. Do dishes. Read etc. And because of this I have little patience with myself.

And at that very same time I want to do nothing.

And I still feel Flat.

There was a time when I loved the flat feeling because that meant I did not have to feel anything.  No hurt, no pain, nothing.  I relished it.

In the flat, I just was.  I did not have to “be” anything more.

I no longer love the flat.  In fact I do not even ‘like’ it anymore.

I hate being here.

Accountable

So I have officially been the worst blog writer ever these past few months.

Right now I am not manic, I am not even mildly manic, not hypomanic, not depressed, nothing.  I don’t even feel normal.  I feel flat.

FLAT

Like I don’t know quite where to be, or what to do.

I have been here before, looking out on some barren flat land into nothingness.

Not the dark black nothingness of depression, just some nothing.  Literally nothing.  I am having a hard time getting out of my own way to do anything right now, but still I do not feel depressed.

I am sleeping fairly decent.  Not bad, anyway.

So over the next few days I have this list of things I need/plan to get done.

The first thing is to break off the list into other lists – ha, I love lists.

So there will be a Bipolar Whispers Blog list of things I want to get done here and I am going to really begin to set myself on some sort of schedule not only for this blog, but for my other blog and well…..really everything else in my life.

I have been so preoccupied with appointment on top of appointment with my daughter and son to the Children’s Hospital that I have honestly let everything else go to the wayside.  Everything.

So, I guess here is to new….beginnings, or something.

Now to keep myself accountable.