The past day or so I have found myself exhausted but not tired, not sleepy…..just exhaustion clouding my mind.
At the same time I have found that I do not have much patience. I want to do about 10 things at the same time. Sit. Write. Watch a show. Clean. Do dishes. Read etc. And because of this I have little patience with myself.
And at that very same time I want to do nothing.
And I still feel Flat.
There was a time when I loved the flat feeling because that meant I did not have to feel anything. No hurt, no pain, nothing. I relished it.
In the flat, I just was. I did not have to “be” anything more.
I no longer love the flat. In fact I do not even ‘like’ it anymore.
So I have officially been the worst blog writer ever these past few months.
Right now I am not manic, I am not even mildly manic, not hypomanic, not depressed, nothing. I don’t even feel normal. I feel flat.
Like I don’t know quite where to be, or what to do.
I have been here before, looking out on some barren flat land into nothingness.
Not the dark black nothingness of depression, just some nothing. Literally nothing. I am having a hard time getting out of my own way to do anything right now, but still I do not feel depressed.
I am sleeping fairly decent. Not bad, anyway.
So over the next few days I have this list of things I need/plan to get done.
The first thing is to break off the list into other lists – ha, I love lists.
So there will be a Bipolar Whispers Blog list of things I want to get done here and I am going to really begin to set myself on some sort of schedule not only for this blog, but for my other blog and well…..really everything else in my life.
I have been so preoccupied with appointment on top of appointment with my daughter and son to the Children’s Hospital that I have honestly let everything else go to the wayside. Everything.
So, I guess here is to new….beginnings, or something.