Worst possible time for this…

Right now I have absolutely no time to deal with the hypomanic episode that my body/mind is trying to unleash on me.

I cannot deal with it.  I must not get it.

I am hours away from my normal doctor, days, hours and minutes removed from his care.

In a strange place, where I would have to see a strange doctor, to deal with something that I really do not have the time or patience to deal with right now.

I have not been hypomanic or manic in over  a year and I am currently not medicated in regards to my Bipolar disorder at all.

And it could not have come at a worst time for me.

Really bad.

I have had a conversation with a child psychiatrist about what is happening, and the right route I need to follow and which hospital to go to in order to be seen in a timely manner.  But I am beyond nervous about taking that step.

I am pushing it off until tomorrow to see how I feel then.  But as of right now its on a downward worsening slope that I can already see a difference  since this morning.

Normally I probably wouldn’t notice this early in the mania but I am so hyper aware because of another situation and trying to keep that under control that I began noticing the signs late last night / early this morning.  Its been lack of sleep for weeks.  Weird broken sleep that has gotten way worst over the past few days up to a week.

I have some of my personal signs, the tingly feeling, the agitation, the rapid thoughts, the not being able to sit still at all, lack of sleep, the talking fast, not being able to talk proper because my words are jumbled.  The wanting to write.

I am calm, yet I am frantic.

I am calm, yet I am frantic. Some of the manic madness from yesterday has subsided in some ways but heightened in others. My brain is a mess. My thoughts are chaos. But my speech has slowed down some, or when I catch myself speeding up I try to suppress it.

This, most often does not work. But still I try. This is a weird time. I normally do not have this much self-insight into what is going on with me when I begin to get manic. Lately I have been more in tune to my mental illness.

It has been over 3 years since my diagnosis. Maybe things have just fallen into a place where I can see it for some weird reason or another. Most times I am pretty far into a hypomanic or manic episode before I know. Looking back I can see it, because retrospect as you all know, can be a very powerful thing. Looking back I can almost always pinpoint the first signs, however subtle they are.

But last time and this time I have been more noticing of what is happening to my mind. I have noticed the speeding up sooner than I have in the past. I guess a large part of that is the no sleep thing that is going on with me right now.

I have no choice but to notice things because what else am I going to be doing all hours of the night? Except pick apart what is going on inside me and write, and then write some more. Or cleaning at 3:00AM can be a nice big flashing red light. Like some indicator beacon going off inside my head warning me of where this is headed.

Writing seems to be the only thing that is really keeping me grounded lately. From one extreme to the next. I cycled a lot faster this time than I have in a really long time. My mania back in March came and did not stay as long as some other times, but then I guess I was sick, and my doctor and I managed to manage it faster than the last time.

Then depression crept crashed in, instead of balance.

No nice little neat balanced mood before cycling back into mania or depression. Or at least not much balance before the switch.

This past month or so, probably closer to 8 weeks have brought more anxiety than I have had since 2013. I have no idea where it came from initially. But I guess I know with the family things we have going on, I can understand why it has stayed. It is every day now, no days break. I hate the feeling.

I feel like I want to check out of my body and brain for a day. Just crawl right out of my skin and not have to deal with what I am feeling. No tingly feeling just under the surface, getting stronger. No insomnia. No intrusive thoughts. No manic brain, where everything seems to be occupying the same space at the same time, all vying for my complete attention.

The only thing benefiting from my hypomania/mania right now, is my writing. And I am not even sure if that is benefiting or if it is just me believing that my manic writing is better than my every day writing. If it is because I tend to churn out more writing when I feel this way.

It’s almost like when manic and talking too much, I find myself posting to Facebook more often than I normally would, and I seem to not be able to help posting to my blog once I get something written.

Then I get nervous that I am irritating my readers because of my frequent posts. I then try to remind myself that my readers read my blog for a reason, because they can relate or they enjoy my writing or some other reason within themselves, which means I most likely am not irritating them as much as my mind tells me I am. So I try not to worry about that. But worrying is something I am good at, and I apologize if I am indeed irritating anyone.

The mania is keeping me completely drawn in to the writing. It is making feel like I really do have some sort of talent which in turn is making me want to publish so bad that it almost hurts.

And so begins the manic chore of researching publishers, types of publishers. Would I self-publish or otherwise? Do I even have enough manageable, coherent articles to even begin to think about this idea in a more possible way….or am I delusional in thinking I could even possibly bring my writings together in book form?

Is this some manic brain idea forcing me to start a project that I know I will not finish? Getting excited over the prospects only to have them dashed and squashed once I begin to get balanced again?

Sometimes I hate this part of this disorder. Because I get such good ideas, or maybe good is not the word I am looking for. They are intrusive ideas that I act on, only to completely abandon them once the balance comes back into play.

But mania is where all my good ideas are concocted.

Mania Dance

My current ‘episode’ has literally been all over the place.  Its been almost a month.  Few days with no sleep and mild elevation, then 5 days with sleep and balanced mood, and since then its been a dance.  From mild to moderate to mild to an almost balance, only to go back to moderate again.  During this time it included a lot of not sleeping well, and a day here a day there of good sleep. Lots of doing stuff.

To be honest, this manic phase whether it be hypomanic or more manic, has brought back my ability to write.  And I am loving every minute of it.  I am almost afraid for it to be over because I am afraid that it will take with it my ability to create interesting and deep articles.  Which right now I am churning out more then 2 a day, whether I post it right away or whether I have it written on paper, I am doing fantastic with it.   And it is helping immensely.   I am terrified that when this episode departs…..so will my writing.

I have likened this phase to a dance. 

I sat last night and began writing on paper and was trying to figure out what I meant by saying it was a dance.

Tap Dance:  I know it is not a tap dance. Tap is a dance that uses feet movements to create a tapping sound.  And although it is a wonderful thing to watch, especially in the river dance form, I know I am not doing a Tap dance.

Tango:  It takes two to tango!  In the tango the male dancer leads the female dancer.  Although sometimes I do feel like I am two separate people, I am not being lead into a dance by a male dance partner.

Foxtrot:  This dance is a mixture of slow and fast dance steps together.  Okay, maybe we are getting somewhere with this episode I have been balanced, slow, fast, super fast etc.  But still its not the beautiful movements of the foxtrot.

Hip Hop:  This is a street style dance defined by street moves, lots of color and lets not forget attitude.  Nope nothing here to see.  No street dancing for me, no color.  Perhaps some attitude, at least the past couple of days with the irritation I am feeling.

Waltz:  Elegant flowing movements.  Who am I kidding, I am far from elegant and flowing.  Nothing pretty about this dance I am dancing. So definitely not a waltz.

Then it hits me….I know what kind of dance I am dancing.

The Hokey Pokey

You know the one. That children’s dance.  It goes something like this:

You put your right hand in
You put your right hand out
You put your right hand in
And you shake it all about
You do the Hokey Pokey and you
Turn yourself around
Thats what its all about!

Replace right hand, with left, then right foot, then left, then head, body etc.

I have been doing the Hokey Pokey for a while now.  Its like I stick my left foot into the mania, take my left foot out, put my left foot in and I shake it all about.

Like my mind and body are testing the waters of mania, then back out.  Its actually kind of confusing this time around.

Although dance is such a beautiful and elegant form of art, this Hokey Pokey that I am doing is anything but.  It is uncoordinated, and frustrating and definitely not pretty.

What are your thoughts on this?  Have you experienced anything similar?