Started med.

Finally built up the nerve to take the first of the Zoloft last night. (Feb 6th) Every since my bad reaction to Lithium I am nervous taking new medications.  Even stuff I have taken before makes me a little nervous.

I have only slept for an hour.

I am getting my kids off to school and going to “try” to sleep.

I feel quite a bit of nausea and my body tingles.  But nothing major.

Will update again soon.

Resuming medication

After 9 and 1/2 months med free……

Zoloft

New one for me.  I may have taken it for a short while when I was hospitalized back in 2012, but I am not completely sure as I was hospitalized for 5 and 1/2 weeks and went through so many med cocktails at that time and I was so sick I don’t know half of what was going on anyway.

I am a little nervous because it is a SSRI med and I am not currently on any mood stabilizers or anti psychotics to combat any form of mania that may or may not rear.  I cannot remember the last time I was on an Anti D without a stabilizer…..

But I would take the beginnings of mania any day over what I feel right now.

The beginning is always fun, wild…..but we all know where that ends up.

Bipolar Whispers is 1

I have been blogging here for a year. A whole year.

I started Bipolar Whispers in a manic phase.  A time when I was full of possibility.  Another grand idea was formed because of mania.

A time when my ability to write came back.  Back after years of dealing with horrific writers block.

There were days when I wrote several articles, days when I published more than once.  Days when I did not publish at all.

Days when what I was writing made total sense, and days when I wrote in gibberish.

There were days when I was stuck inside my head, days when the words were screaming to be written but I couldn’t form more than a few coherent sentences.

I wrote with passion.  I wrote deep truths.  I wrote about pasts.  I wrote about futures.  And I wrote about right now as the words were forming.

I wrote with questions, and I wrote looking for answers.

Sometimes I found the answers, and oftentimes I found many many more questions.

I wrote when I was manic.  I wrote when I was hypomanic.  I wrote when I was depressed.  I wrote when I was flat and I wrote when my mood was ‘normal’.

Sometimes I didn’t write at all.  Because whatever I may have been dealing with at that time was bigger.  Bigger that I was able to deal with, bigger than I was able to write about, bigger than I was okay with.

But Bipolar Whispers became so much to me.  It became a haven.  A place to go and not worry about anything to bare it all and let it all out.

I met great friends through blogging.  I have read other peoples stories, their life stories and understood.  I related to them.  I understood them and they understood me.

Even when I disappeared for a bit because the medical issues in our family was more than I was able to deal with, you were all here when I got back.  You continued to embrace me and hold me up.  You held my hand, and you gripped my heart.

Some of the most understanding people, some of the easiest people to write to, some of the easiest people to relate to have been the blogging friends I have made because of Bipolar Whispers.

And I thank you from the bottom of my heart for being here, for reading, for listening, and for hanging on.

I love you all,

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays

Merry-Christmas-Happy-Holidays

I just wanted to take a moment to wish each and every one of you a very Merry Christmas and/or Happy Holidays!!

I hope it is filled with love, laughter and holiday cheer.

And most of all for those of you that struggle throughout the holiday season I hope that the demons are staying calm and that you are doing well.

Much Love,

The Holidays and Mental Health

The holidays can be a stressful time for many people, financially it can be hard, or perhaps memories of holidays past are difficult or haunting.  Maybe the family gatherings are more than you are able to fully handle, maybe that one cousin whom you do not want to see shows up and disrupts the party.

Either way the holidays can be a mess for some people.  Others find so much joy in them.

For me it is a mixture of both.

There are things that I love about the holidays and there are things that I would rather not have to deal with.

And I know what comes after them.  Almost every year (probably every year) starting in January some depression hits.  I find myself not wanting to go anywhere and I am moody and touchy.  Difficult at times.

The holidays bring sentimental thoughts.  But they also bring stressful situations for me.

But we manage to get through them every year.

I would like to know how you make it through the holidays each year?  What are your go to tips to help cope with stressful situations?

Deep Contemplation

I am over half the age my father was when he passed away at just 61 years old.   61, felt old to me at the time….I was 13, but in retrospect it wasn’t old at all. He was just sick, he fought long and hard and tried to hang on to see me grown up. He would always say “If I can just live to see her grown up”. I was the youngest by 11 years. My youngest brother is actually 11 years OLDER than me, next I have a sister, and then another two brothers. My oldest brother actually got two children who are older than me.

So yes, I was a surprise. Not a mistake, they would never call me that. But I was a gift, something that came along at a time in their lives that was just unexpected. They shocked a few family members after my arrival.

I was very young when my father first got sick. I remember an oxygen tank always adorning our house as well as regular mask treatments for breathing. I liked to help out. But when he got sick-sick, like ready to be in hospital kind of sick, it was always scary.

No one likes to watch their parent struggle. In the end, he struggled to breathe on a daily basis. Walking steps was a chore. If he went outside and came back in he would have to stop half way up the steps to the door just to let his body catch up to his breathing or his breathing to regulate and catch up to his body, whichever way you want to look at it. Everything was so labored. Then when he made it to the door and into the porch he would have to rest again before he was even able to take off his coat or bend to take off his shoes.

He spent some time in hospital before Christmas that year. Was released and spent Christmas with us, only to be re-admitted in January and he passed away on February 1st.

At 13, I was not ready. Nor did I have the mental and emotional capacity to understand and process what had happened. Every other time he had been that sick, he spent a few weeks in hospital and then came home with us again. This time was different and I would have given anything for it to have all been some cruel joke or mistake.

But, it was no joke, no mistake.

A rush of air left my lungs, as if someone punched me in the gut….and then my heart began aching. I crumpled into my brothers arms.

That is how I remember it. That moment so long ago that changed and molded me into something different than what I might have been.

Today, I realize that I am over half the age my father was when he passed away. Over half way through. It was sad to realize this. But it was also clarifying.

Where am I in my life? If you knew that half of your life has already been lived what would you do? Where would you want to be? What goals would you want to have accomplished? What would you change?

I am scared because I do not know if I am where I should be at this point in life. I know there are some things which I have accomplished that I am proud of. Being married, and our three children being the most prominent.

But where exactly do I want my life to go? I do not want to have any more regrets. I realize that I need to take control of my life or nothing is ever going to change.

I know I want to be loved deeply and to love deeply. This is big for me.

I know I want to be the best mother that I can be. I know I want to continue to blog about mental health, and advocate for those same issues.

But then what? What is next in this life for me? Do I continue to let life pass me by, and have regrets that I did nothing to mend and fix the problems that we currently have. I know my life is not headed in the direction that I wanted it to be, so my sails need to pick up some wind, change my direction.

But the difficulty lies in making decisions for me, and learning to deal with the changes, and following through.

Intense

Today is my birthday.

Normally birthdays pass me by and I couldn’t care less.

Normally It is just another day, one little blip in the 365 day year that just happens to be the day I was born some 30 odd years ago.Normally it means nothing to me, other than being one year older.

Normally I feel nothing towards this day.

Well for some reason today is far from the normal nothing birthdays that I am used to. Today I awoke with a sense of severe anxiety that is only getting worst as the day is progressing.  An intense fear, dread……despair would even be a good word to describe how I am feeling.

I am blinded by how bad this is.

I have been having some issues with anxiety and paranoia over the past little bit, but nothing compares to how bad I am feeling today.

I do not think there is a reason or catalyst for why I feel this badly.  Just maybe every little thing pulling at me at the same time that my emotional self is not able to handle it.  And the tension is causing me to break.

Broken. Crumpled. Trampled.