the depression is so bad you feel like you have failed everyone and everything and as much as you want to go to sleep and not wake up you have to keep on breathing.
Such was me a few weeks ago, me before coming off the Zoloft.
The Zoloft that made life worst. The Zoloft that made me feel crazy. The Zoloft that made me want to harm myself. The Zoloft that made me put the breaks on while driving because I thought someone was crossing the road and when I blinked no one was there (among other stories), The Zoloft that made me dream dreams that I thought were real, absolute. The Zoloft that did not mix well with alcohol. The Zoloft that did not let me sleep but yet made me feel like I wanted to go to sleep and not wake up. The Zoloft that made me paranoid. The Zoloft that changed me.
Now I am off the Zoloft, and in just a couple of weeks I already feel a ton better, not ‘normal me’ better, but not Zoloft crazy.
Back one one of my old faithful medications, Tegertol.
So I spent the majority of yesterday and the majority of today sleeping. I slept 11 hours Tuesday night, then another two Wednesday afternoon then another 3 (slept off an on) Wednesday evening. By 11:30 Wednesday night I was in bed, and I would say by 12:30 asleep. I Never woke up until about 11 this morning. By 1:15 I was back in bed and slept till after 5.
I woke up in a extremely bad mood.
I have cried off an on several times since yesterday. My emotions are all over the place today. I have been dreaming really bad dreams.
I feel like I have checked out of reality for 2 days and everything around me is a mess. And everything inside me is in a huge shamble. Crumbling. I am hurting, I am crying inside and outside, I am frustrated and I just want to crawl under a rock and cease to be.
I do not know why.
I got upset with my husband over dumb things, I know they are dumb things but I cannot stop myself.
I told him that when I am upset and stuff and something is wrong it would be nice to just ask how I am and want a genuine answer. I also told him that I wish at some point in his life that he has to deal with mental illness within himself because its no a picnic, its harsh.
Truth be told I do not wish mental illness on anyone, I just wish that he would understand sometimes.
I feel in the recent years, that we have drifted….or maybe its just my jaded mind today.