Please don’t, Please do.

Please don’t underestimate me because of my illness.

Please don’t Judge me because of my illness.

Please don’t feel threatened by me because of my illness.

Please don’t leave me out because of my illness.

Please don’t forget the good times when the bad times of my illness rear its ugly head.

Please don’t confuse my indifference about activities with me not actually wanting to do them.

Please don’t use the name of my illness`as an adjective.

Please do stand by me when I need you.

Please do remember the good times.

Please do remember that I want to be better, I do not choose to be sick.

Please do have patience with me, because often I do not have any patience for myself.

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Writing

I let my writing fall to the wayside over the past year.  I haven’t written anything seriously in months and have not written anything worthwhile or with substance for this blog in a year or at least pretty close to that.

I feel like I have let myself down, let my blogger friends and readers down and that I really need to start creatively writing again.

I have been told I do my best writing when I just let it flow, when I do not force it to happen and I write from my heart.  I write with depth and meaning when I write from somewhere deep within myself.  Whether that be depression writing or Mania writing or just something more I am honestly not sure where it comes from.  Most times, as I have written in the past my fingers fly over the keyboard or my pen over the paper so freely and so quickly that I just write.

There have been times when I have re-read my writing and not remembered writing it.  Times when I have not recognized the thoughts that my mind put together, not recognized the writing on the page.

Right now I am at a place where I want to write.  I want to create.  I want my ideas and my passions to flow through my writing.  I feel the need to write because writing for me is a form of therapy, one of the best that I can receive and one I can give myself.

Writing

There are times when I am writing and my pen flows across the paper so freely that I re-read it days later and I do not remember writing it.  Yet there it is, staring back at me in my hand writing or on my computer screen.

It is like my hands have a mind of their own and they know that the words are inside my head waiting to be formed into some semblance of coherent sentences.

Then there are the times when my mind is so crowded with thoughts and ideas that my fingers are going across the keyboard making mistakes while I am trying to form paragraphs that make sense.  Like tonight, my thoughts are jumbled, I am sitting here my fingers flying over the keyboard, backspace is my best friend tonight as I am correcting the errors my fingers are making because they are unable to pick up the slack and write what my brain is thinking fast enough for my liking.

Half started ideas, fragments of paragraphs dancing across the screen.  Black letters swirling, flying across the editor as I write, correct, fix the mistakes my fingers are making.

To say it is frustrating would be an understatement.  But I am happy.  Bliss.  Writing.

I have to write, its like breathing, take it away right now and I will be nothing.  Writing is so important to me, helping me to make sense of some of the jumbled thoughts that are inside my head.  Getting them into some form that makes some sense.  At least to me.

Each letter, each word, each sentence, each paragraph, all a part of my existential self.

Writing is a form of therapy for me.  When I re-read what I have written I can feel what I have felt, or even feel what I wasn’t able to feel at the time it was written.

I have written pages and pages, books on top of books worth of my thoughts.  I just never shared them, until now.

I still wonder at times if sharing them is the right thing to do, I wonder if any of the things I write makes sense to anyone else, or if it is just me that can pick sense into my jaded and jumbled thoughts.

But still I continue to write, to share, in hopes that someone will connect.