So Scarred (Trigger warning – Self Injury)

Published on by bipolarwhisper

*Written about 16 years ago*

A time when pain was easily mistook for something different, a time when scars were internal not external, a time when I could explain the scars, but that time is long gone, that time has left, that time is no longer with me.

A time when I never had to wear long sleeved shirts to cover all the pain,  pain that is trying to escape

But escaping through that cuts that appear on my arms

A time when I did not need to feel that touch of the cold blade, or see that crimson red that flows from the deepest pain inside…

A time when I never had to carry a blade with me all the time, just in case, just in case something happens and then that blade is there,

A time when I never needed to sit and hold that blade close to my skin

When I never had to sit and just stare off into space and wonder….

A time when pain was something easy to understand cause it was not trying to escape through open scars…

A time when I could understand the world around

But now suddenly that world has grown so cold…so heartless…..

So Scarred!

17 thoughts on “So Scarred (Trigger warning – Self Injury)”

    1. It is/was such a release for me. I struggle with the urges almost every day, some days a lot worst than others. Last night was one of those nights where I literally craved self harm, I am not even sure if that makes sense, but the urges were so strong I have to say crave.

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      5. I hope you are being safe. (hugs) And yes pain does demand to be felt, good in some situations, not so much in others.

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    1. It was such a release for me, and although I am not an active self harmer anymore I do still get to the point where the urges are so strong I crave it. Last night was one of those times, I had a hard time writing so I found this in old writings and thought it was fitting.

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  3. Ugh ~ I cut (no longer, thank God!) Often, DEEP. and. LONG!! Required multiple sutures, all approx 3 cm long, & too many to count cigarette burns,,, the scars,,, ugh,,, I feel ya! 😦

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    1. I was also a cutter for 7 years. Then again for 7 weeks a few years ago, With a few slip ups over the years. I struggle with it often. Last night was one of the hardest times I have had with it in a long long time, I had anxiety over how bad the struggle was, I craved it.

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  4. Thanks for allowing us readers into “this time” BW: 16 years later.
    I’m sorry that today you experience such pain…I’m honored though to be a part of your sharing “side” (fan club).
    Just did a count and my 16 years ago is also one in which utterly painful pain was momentary and fleeting…having always been a crier it continues but today my tears are filled with a different kind of emotion: at times jam-packed with self-pity, at once with fear and hopelessness and again with sadness and grief all the while knowing yet not wanting to hear that “it could be worse”.

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    1. Thank you for the kind words. I am so sorry that you have painful memories as well. And I know that feeling, I tell myself all the time that “it could be worse” whether that is good or bad I am unsure, but nevertheless I do tell myself. Gentle Hugs for you, my friend.

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      1. Thanks! 🙂 Ah,…painful memories…part and parcel (as the saying goes)…hmmm, never thought of “telling myself” that it could be worse, hopefully I can remember that the next time I need to “tell myself something” 🙂 I know I have thought it before, during a low (during mania, not so much)…its a true statement though. Yet our “issues” can seem so monumental when we’re going through, like that “no one understands” and “gosh, could things be any worse”? can’t I just disappear??? 😦 Gentle hugs for you too! 🙂

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      2. I agree that I do it more during depression, mania always starts off great, and I tend to deny it is mania once confronted.

        I agree it is a very true statement, and I try to make myself remember no matter how bad things are.

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  5. You are so right about the mania, denial unfortunately many (most) times is the name of the “game”.

    Thanks for that tip: telling oneself that it could b worse. I’ll try to remember it. =)

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