After all these years

Sometimes I wake up in the dark to the silent screams that my soul emits. And for a split second, that feels like an eternity, I have a sense of spine tingling fear.

Sometimes I wake up in the dark to my heart beating out of my chest. And I remember things that I have spent a lifetime trying to forget.

Sometimes I wake up in the dark with a million thoughts trespassing through my once calm slumber.

And I cringe inside because I know these thoughts, these feelings, this fear, and those memories…..are you.

Even after all these years.

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Like skittles to rainbows

I am connected to the darkness in the way that skittles are connected to rainbows, by color, not flavor.

I love the blackness, the charcoals, the purples and blues. I embrace the mist and the shadows.

I find the flamboyance of color to be chaos. but I have a calming penchant for all things dark.

I remember a time when the flavor of darkness was tainted with the particles and memories of real life monsters.

But today, as I’ve grown in the cusp of the shadows, I have learned to love the things of make believe stories and Hollywood movies. The draculas, the ghosts, the goblins and Frankenstien’s monster.

And my monster? It’s not so scary anymore.



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Little changes.

Over the next few days you may see some of my posts disappear and reappear. I am doing some editing, and changing my name siggy. Nothing to worry about. 🙂

Have a great day.

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Thoughts

My posts have been few and far between.  As with a lot of things that happen during manic episodes, Bipolar Whispers was started and thrived for a short while and due to a bunch of other reasons became something that got placed on the back burner of my life.

Not for lack of wanting it to become more.  Because I would love to have it go back to the thriving place that it once was.

I have debated taking posts down and starting over with republishing and working out the blog a bit better and trying to be more “here”.

After two years with no computer I am finally able to write in peace again.

Thoughts?

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Sleep

Well the sleep that has eluded me all this time with this current mania came last night.  With all the meds, mood stabilizers and sleeping meds, and more mood stabilizers and more sleeping meds and Seroquel added to the mix (all prescribed and taken as prescribed) I slept between 12-13 hours.  Seriously that long.

I feel sluggish this afternoon, since I did just get up long enough to eat lunch.  I still feel the need to move quite a bit, like shake my legs etc.  I still cannot talk properly, stuttering and mmmmm ing a lot.  But I slept, so it has to be a step in the right direction….Right??

The mania has been calmer for a few days, not good, but calmer.

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Wondering

When your Bipolar diagnosis gets moved from BP2 to BP1, does that mean its upgraded to 5 star accommodations or downgraded to 1 star accommodations?

And more so I wonder how long my doctor knew this tidbit of information….

Thursday over night and Friday were bad.  I was talking fast, then pressured, then stuttering and not able to get words or anything out.  I ended up in the Er, then transferred to a Mental health hospital.   Where to be honest I met the best Psychiatrists I have ever seen.

Tegertol increased to 200mgs, with being told to go to 300mgs if the mania did not begin to calm in a day or two (which I increased last night after the night before barely sleeping any). Trazodone 50mgs added for sleep.

First night all that along with the Zopiclone 7.5 managed to get me about 8 hours of sleep.  Second night, nothing touched me again.  Slept maybe 2 hours of broken sleep and woke yesterday with the major speech issues again, and feeling like I could not sit still and all the other lovely classic bipolar stuff.

Last night I managed to get about 2 hours of broken sleep in the night and about 2 hours of broken sleep sometime between 9 and 12:30.   Still having some speech issues but I would say its cleared up about 80%, seems the more I talk the worst it gets.

Seeing my own doctor tomorrow sometime to get meds situated and probably something better for sleep.  (Just a tidbit of info, all this happened 4 hours away from home for me and we came home on Saturday which is why I never saw my regular doctor before but Er and Mental Health Hospital.)

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Quick update

Had to give in at 7:30 this morning and take another dose of Zopiclone.  After sleeping maybe 30 minutes the whole night.  I managed to get a total of 2-3 hours after taking it but that was broken and I kept waking.  Like I was slightly sedated feeling but wasn’t able to fully take avail of the medication.

Still shaky and fidgety today, still lots of thoughts, no changes.

I am sure I will write something later, for now just a quick update.

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