Sleep disturbances.

In the past 144 hours (6 days) I have slept 24.5 hours in total, and all very very broken sleep.  The most I have slept in a row is about 1.5-2 hours.  Some of those days I only slept 2.5 hours and one of them I managed to sleep 6 hours, but it was absolutely brutal trying to get all of those 6 hours. They were extremely broken.  The time I slept 6 hours I never took any meds.  Tonight I haven’t taken any again to see if I can sleep, but it is already after 4 AM and I am here writing.

I don’t feel manic or anything, I just don’t seem to need sleep or can’t sleep.  The only symptoms I am having other than issues with sleeping is maybe little tingles in my arms and body from the lack of sleep and a little bit of fuzzy-ness that seems to come and go.

I am however having trouble distinguishing between what I have dreamed and reality.  It only happened the one time.  Today I tried to sleep, I dreamed that my daughter came home and I had a conversation with her at 12:30 ish (that was the time in the dream).   When I woke up I thought that the conversation was truth, absolute.  But she was not even home, she was in school for the day.  I actually woke up and asked my husband if she had come home from school, I thought it really happened.  And although I know it did not happen I still almost feel like it did.

I am trying really hard right now to make my self sleep at least some, so I know that I am for the most part of sound mind.  We have some appointments coming up this week that I need to be able to function in, so I am really concerned about this lack of sleep and what it could mean, if anything.

Anyway, just wanted to update a little, as I am really trying to begin writing and blogging more.

How is everyone?

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Started med.

Finally built up the nerve to take the first of the Zoloft last night. (Feb 6th) Every since my bad reaction to Lithium I am nervous taking new medications.  Even stuff I have taken before makes me a little nervous.

I have only slept for an hour.

I am getting my kids off to school and going to “try” to sleep.

I feel quite a bit of nausea and my body tingles.  But nothing major.

Will update again soon.

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Resuming medication

After 9 and 1/2 months med free……

Zoloft

New one for me.  I may have taken it for a short while when I was hospitalized back in 2012, but I am not completely sure as I was hospitalized for 5 and 1/2 weeks and went through so many med cocktails at that time and I was so sick I don’t know half of what was going on anyway.

I am a little nervous because it is a SSRI med and I am not currently on any mood stabilizers or anti psychotics to combat any form of mania that may or may not rear.  I cannot remember the last time I was on an Anti D without a stabilizer…..

But I would take the beginnings of mania any day over what I feel right now.

The beginning is always fun, wild…..but we all know where that ends up.

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Drowning

I am underwater.  Looking up I can see a dim filtered light but I am unable to break the surface.  I am suffocating, water leaking into my lungs.  I am drowning. Sinking deeper and deeper beneath the surface.

I am only just admitting to myself that I am depressed.

It has been coming for a while, maybe it has even been here for a while.  But I would not admit that there was a problem.  I have been hiding it from everyone, including myself.

I don’t want to do anything, I don’t want to go anywhere and I am not sleeping well night time, and am tending to somewhat sleep in the late morning early afternoon, and even then its not good sleep.  I do not want to drag myself out of bed when I wake up.  Even when I am awake I just want to lay there and not do anything.

I feel like a failure of a mother and wife because I feel that the things my children are going to remember about me right now is the fact that I am doing these things. I should be more present.  I feel like a failure of a friend because I don’t give a shit if I go anywhere or do anything, I am letting the people closest to me down and I am so frustrated with myself.

I feel like a failure because I have went the past 9 months without medications and for the most part I was doing well.  Don’t get me wrong I am not naive, I know Bipolar disorder does not just disappear, that it would rear its ugly head at some point.

I look in the mirror and I hate the person I see.  I curse her.  She is nothing…. I am nothing.

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feeling off

I feel off….

Not manic, and I would certainly rather be mildly manic than this.

Not quite depression.

But definitely not myself.

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Writing

I let my writing fall to the wayside over the past year.  I haven’t written anything seriously in months and have not written anything worthwhile or with substance for this blog in a year or at least pretty close to that.

I feel like I have let myself down, let my blogger friends and readers down and that I really need to start creatively writing again.

I have been told I do my best writing when I just let it flow, when I do not force it to happen and I write from my heart.  I write with depth and meaning when I write from somewhere deep within myself.  Whether that be depression writing or Mania writing or just something more I am honestly not sure where it comes from.  Most times, as I have written in the past my fingers fly over the keyboard or my pen over the paper so freely and so quickly that I just write.

There have been times when I have re-read my writing and not remembered writing it.  Times when I have not recognized the thoughts that my mind put together, not recognized the writing on the page.

Right now I am at a place where I want to write.  I want to create.  I want my ideas and my passions to flow through my writing.  I feel the need to write because writing for me is a form of therapy, one of the best that I can receive and one I can give myself.

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I am still here…

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I know it seems like I have fell off the face of the earth.  It has even felt like that for me at times.

I am still here.  Holding on.

I have a lot of ideas and resolutions for the new year that I really hope to get started on and one of them is to get back to my writing and blogging.

I hope you all are doing well, please drop me a comment and let me know how things are going.

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