My dream…or nightmare.

I had a dream last night. I woke up feeling like I had been in a long standing cycling nightmare.

In reality it was probably all of 5 minutes long.

It was so vivid, in a weird black and white kind of way.  If that makes sense.

I dreamed that myself and another woman ended up in a psychiatric hospital.

I have no idea who this woman was, no recollection of who she was suppose to be in my real life.  She had curly hair, was taller than me and skinny.

The hospital was, crisp.  Black and white with silver tones. Everything was bright.  Vivid.

We were both checked in and put in the same room.  (odd I know)

The room was oddly shaped.  Instead of the standard rectangle one wall was like the short end of a rectangle with a window on it and a bed going down its side just off from the wall.

Then there were two long walls….the sides of a standard rectangle.

But one wall was shorter than the other.  The one on the right entering the room was shortest and it sort of made this diagonal corner space.

This was where my bed was.

I remember a nurse talking to me.  And then being in shock because my husband arrives.  I remember wondering how he knew where I was and then realization setting in that the hospital staff must have called him.

He walks into the room, he does not hug me, he does not touch me, he does not ask how I am.

He proceeds to take his wedding band off and he holds it out.  I put my hand out, palm up and he drops the ring into my hand.

Our eyes lock, and he leaves.

I begin to cry, feeling as if my heart is breaking.

**This is where I wake up**

I felt like I had been dreaming a nightmare of epic proportions.

I have had a yuck day every since.  Of course because of the dream I did not sleep well last night.  Today I read for a bit and then slept for a bit.  I feel more rested now than I did this morning.

Realization for me:  I am terribly afraid that my mental illness will eventually push him away.  I am afraid of symptoms getting worst, I am afraid of changes in my mood, behavior. I am afraid that eventually it will all be too much for him.

And I am most afraid that at that point he will be….

done.

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Exhausted, but not…..still flat.

The past day or so I have found myself exhausted but not tired, not sleepy…..just exhaustion clouding my mind.

At the same time I have found that I do not have much patience.  I want to do about 10 things at the same time.  Sit. Write. Watch a show. Clean. Do dishes. Read etc. And because of this I have little patience with myself.

And at that very same time I want to do nothing.

And I still feel Flat.

There was a time when I loved the flat feeling because that meant I did not have to feel anything.  No hurt, no pain, nothing.  I relished it.

In the flat, I just was.  I did not have to “be” anything more.

I no longer love the flat.  In fact I do not even ‘like’ it anymore.

I hate being here.

Accountable

So I have officially been the worst blog writer ever these past few months.

Right now I am not manic, I am not even mildly manic, not hypomanic, not depressed, nothing.  I don’t even feel normal.  I feel flat.

FLAT

Like I don’t know quite where to be, or what to do.

I have been here before, looking out on some barren flat land into nothingness.

Not the dark black nothingness of depression, just some nothing.  Literally nothing.  I am having a hard time getting out of my own way to do anything right now, but still I do not feel depressed.

I am sleeping fairly decent.  Not bad, anyway.

So over the next few days I have this list of things I need/plan to get done.

The first thing is to break off the list into other lists – ha, I love lists.

So there will be a Bipolar Whispers Blog list of things I want to get done here and I am going to really begin to set myself on some sort of schedule not only for this blog, but for my other blog and well…..really everything else in my life.

I have been so preoccupied with appointment on top of appointment with my daughter and son to the Children’s Hospital that I have honestly let everything else go to the wayside.  Everything.

So, I guess here is to new….beginnings, or something.

Now to keep myself accountable.