A few of my personal Depression signs.

Are you finding yourself not enjoying things that normally bring you joy? Is your sadness deeper than usual?

Here are a few of my personal signs that the depression side of Bipolar Disorder has arrived for me.

  • Hopelessness: I feel like everything around me is hopeless, everything I do is hopeless, my future is hopeless.
  • Dread/Disinterest: I have this deep down dread of doing anything outside my home. I have no interest in doing things with my friends, no interest in going to gatherings, and no interest in doing things that I normally take part in.
  • Irritability: I am irritated. Different irritation than manic irritation. Everything is bothering me and playing on my last nerve and I usually hold it all in until I end up exploding over something and letting it all bubble to the surface.
  • Sleep: Normally I am sleeping more than normal, but there have been times when I have had the opposite effect and have slept less than normal. More often than not its the sleeping more.
  • Inadequate: I always feel like I am not enough. Not enough of a wife. Not enough of a mother. That I am not doing a good job at anything. I feel insignificant. Like a speck of dust.
  • Anxiety: Worry and anxiety over things I normally wouldn’t worry about.
  • Weight gain: I eat my feelings. Enough said.
  • Deep emotional pain.
Advertisements

Unwell, but you probably knew that

I haven’t been feeling myself for a while. There has been this nagging voice that something is just not right. And no matter how quiet it is or how much I try to completely silence the voice. I can still hear it and it is working itself into a louder and louder sound that is getting harder to ignore.

I am not quite sure what it is exactly that I am feeling. I tend to lean towards the fact that it is probably some sort of depression. But I feel like it is much more than that.

No signs of mania or even hypomania. I just feel emotional, sensitive, down, and I feel taken for granted. I feel hopeless, and tired, emotionally tired, my soul is tired. And I wonder so much if there is even any room for me. There is not enough space for me to peacefully occupy. (I am NOT suicidal)

I am sleeping, might be some weird hours, but there is sleep. I am having some anxiety and some sense of dread.

I feel like there is something coming towards me at full force but I just cannot figure out what it is, or care enough to step out of its way, that I am insignificant enough and don’t matter enough to even step to the side so the collision doesn’t happen.

I know that all these signs point to something. They tell me that something is wrong. This is not my ‘normal’ thought process.

Sleep

Well the sleep that has eluded me all this time with this current mania came last night.  With all the meds, mood stabilizers and sleeping meds, and more mood stabilizers and more sleeping meds and Seroquel added to the mix (all prescribed and taken as prescribed) I slept between 12-13 hours.  Seriously that long.

I feel sluggish this afternoon, since I did just get up long enough to eat lunch.  I still feel the need to move quite a bit, like shake my legs etc.  I still cannot talk properly, stuttering and mmmmm ing a lot.  But I slept, so it has to be a step in the right direction….Right??

The mania has been calmer for a few days, not good, but calmer.

Wondering

When your Bipolar diagnosis gets moved from BP2 to BP1, does that mean its upgraded to 5 star accommodations or downgraded to 1 star accommodations?

And more so I wonder how long my doctor knew this tidbit of information….

Thursday over night and Friday were bad.  I was talking fast, then pressured, then stuttering and not able to get words or anything out.  I ended up in the Er, then transferred to a Mental health hospital.   Where to be honest I met the best Psychiatrists I have ever seen.

Tegertol increased to 200mgs, with being told to go to 300mgs if the mania did not begin to calm in a day or two (which I increased last night after the night before barely sleeping any). Trazodone 50mgs added for sleep.

First night all that along with the Zopiclone 7.5 managed to get me about 8 hours of sleep.  Second night, nothing touched me again.  Slept maybe 2 hours of broken sleep and woke yesterday with the major speech issues again, and feeling like I could not sit still and all the other lovely classic bipolar stuff.

Last night I managed to get about 2 hours of broken sleep in the night and about 2 hours of broken sleep sometime between 9 and 12:30.   Still having some speech issues but I would say its cleared up about 80%, seems the more I talk the worst it gets.

Seeing my own doctor tomorrow sometime to get meds situated and probably something better for sleep.  (Just a tidbit of info, all this happened 4 hours away from home for me and we came home on Saturday which is why I never saw my regular doctor before but Er and Mental Health Hospital.)

Music and Mania

I don’t know what it is but there is something about music and mania. Almost every time I am manic I like to listen to music and write.

Its like the music keeps me focused enough to be able to write something that makes more sense that the jumble that is inside my mind.

Sometimes I feel like the music is seeping into my soul.

I sit and I write and the constant movement of my hands flying across the keyboard and my leg shaking is somehow satisfying.  Fulfilling.

Its like, I cannot even explain the feelings that I am feeling at the moment.  It is truly bliss.  I love the feeling of my fingertips flying over the keys.  I love the sound of he soft clicking just under the sound of he music in my ears.

Worst possible time for this…

Right now I have absolutely no time to deal with the hypomanic episode that my body/mind is trying to unleash on me.

I cannot deal with it.  I must not get it.

I am hours away from my normal doctor, days, hours and minutes removed from his care.

In a strange place, where I would have to see a strange doctor, to deal with something that I really do not have the time or patience to deal with right now.

I have not been hypomanic or manic in over  a year and I am currently not medicated in regards to my Bipolar disorder at all.

And it could not have come at a worst time for me.

Really bad.

I have had a conversation with a child psychiatrist about what is happening, and the right route I need to follow and which hospital to go to in order to be seen in a timely manner.  But I am beyond nervous about taking that step.

I am pushing it off until tomorrow to see how I feel then.  But as of right now its on a downward worsening slope that I can already see a difference  since this morning.

Normally I probably wouldn’t notice this early in the mania but I am so hyper aware because of another situation and trying to keep that under control that I began noticing the signs late last night / early this morning.  Its been lack of sleep for weeks.  Weird broken sleep that has gotten way worst over the past few days up to a week.

I have some of my personal signs, the tingly feeling, the agitation, the rapid thoughts, the not being able to sit still at all, lack of sleep, the talking fast, not being able to talk proper because my words are jumbled.  The wanting to write.

In the darkness.

When I close my eyes I see a darkness,

in the darkness I see a shimmer,

in the shimmer I see a reflection,

in the reflection I see a beast,

the Bipolar Beast.