the depression is so bad you feel like you have failed everyone and everything and as much as you want to go to sleep and not wake up you have to keep on breathing.
Such was me a few weeks ago, me before coming off the Zoloft.
The Zoloft that made life worst. The Zoloft that made me feel crazy. The Zoloft that made me want to harm myself. The Zoloft that made me put the breaks on while driving because I thought someone was crossing the road and when I blinked no one was there (among other stories), The Zoloft that made me dream dreams that I thought were real, absolute. The Zoloft that did not mix well with alcohol. The Zoloft that did not let me sleep but yet made me feel like I wanted to go to sleep and not wake up. The Zoloft that made me paranoid. The Zoloft that changed me.
Now I am off the Zoloft, and in just a couple of weeks I already feel a ton better, not ‘normal me’ better, but not Zoloft crazy.
Back one one of my old faithful medications, Tegertol.
I keep getting a very strong urge to write. But when I begin, I can’t. So if this post does not make sense or is very different from my usual posts forgive me, I am just going to write whatever I feel and it may be a bit random and all over the place.
I feel like I have just jumped off the edge of a cliff and am free falling into some unknown cavern. Anxiety is gripping my heart while my mind is bracing for the impact of hitting bottom, but bottom never comes. I am still free falling, anxiety building higher and higher because I see no end. No landing place.
I feel like my skin is crawling.
I have thoughts that are mixed up, confused. Words and letters are jumbled up in my mind. Like someone took a bag of scrabble letters, shook them and dumped them into a big pile and expected to make sense of them.
Do I feel manic? No. I don’t. I feel mixed. I feel confused. I feel a lot of anxiety, more then I have had in a long long time. I feel frustration. I feel weight. I feel stuck.
I feel pressure.
I feel like my brain is fuzzy.
I am tired, but I am not tired. I am exhausted, but yet I cannot sleep. I do not even want to sleep.
I feel tingly.
I feel a weight pressing down on my chest. A crushing weight.